


call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me

by aatticsaltt



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Genius Peter Parker, Helen Cho/James "Rhodey" Rhodes - Freeform, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Precious Peter Parker, Psychoanalysis, Sassy Peter Parker, Social Media, Texting, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, sorta - Freeform, teen bc of language, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22579639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aatticsaltt/pseuds/aatticsaltt
Summary: Tony never expected any of this to happen when he got a text about potatoes on Saturday night.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 163
Kudos: 1287
Collections: Irondad and his Iron kids, Peter Parker Stories, The Best Irondad/Spiderson Fics, The Best MCU Social Media Fics, The Best Peter Parker Fluff Fics, The Best of the Best MCU Fics, ellie marvel fics - read





	1. what's up with all the potatoes?

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally a collab, but the other writer took themself off the story so. minor edits to the notes
> 
> enjoy! it was written with love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Peter Parker**  
>  NED IM SUCH AN IDIOT  
> I WANT TO DIE  
> KILL ME NOW  
> THIS IS MY END  
> I HATE EVERYTHING  
> MY LIFE LEADING UP TO THIS POINT???  
> A LIE

**Saturday,** _5:53pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

okokok i know u said to write a list and as usual u were right. i forgot something like you said i would. ik im sorry, u were right. (i said it twice, do i get brownie points???) anyway how many potatoes did you want again??

**Mr. Stark**

Why do I want potatoes?

What list?

What are you talking about?

**Peter Parker**

oh

my

god

mr stark

im so sorry

i didnt

holy shit

i didnt mean to text you

that was supposed to be for may

**Mr. Stark**

How did you manage that?

**Peter Parker**

ur mr stark in my phone… so i just started a message, typed m and i guess accidentally hit u instead of may

**Mr. Stark**

Uh huh…

Shouldn’t I be under “T”?

**Peter Parker**

no ur first name is mister

**Mr. Stark**

Right…

Ok then.

Carry on.

Back to your shopping.

* * *

**Saturday,** _5:56pm_

Ned Solo

**Peter Parker**

NED IM SUCH AN IDIOT

I WANT TO DIE

KILL ME NOW

THIS IS MY END

I HATE EVERYTHING

MY LIFE LEADING UP TO THIS POINT???

A LIE

**Ned Solo**

what???

what happened?

did u do smth embarrassing in the spidey suit again

is it on youtube

can i see it

**Peter Parker**

ned.

rude.

no

its not on youtube

and its way worse than the last time

i…

i texted tony stark

**Ned Solo**

insert horrified gasp here

?

thats like the coolest thing ever

**Peter Parker**

no its not!!!!!!

i thought i was texting may

i asked tony stark how many potatoes he wanted!!!

**Ned Solo**

ohhh

oh no

yeah ok thats

thats no good

**Peter Parker**

no! its not!

and then i just said his first name is “mister”

as an excuse for having him as “mr stark” in my phone

please tell me ull write a good eulogy

**Ned Solo**

i promise not to tell too many embarrassing stories

that’s the best i can do

**Peter Parker**

fair enough

* * *

**Saturday,** _6:05pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

i am so sorry again mr stark

do you want potatoes???

i’ll get you potatoes

* * *

**Saturday,** _6:05pm_

Ned Solo

**Peter Parker**

kill me

* * *

**Saturday,** _6:05pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

pls pretend i didnt say that im

im shutting up now i swear

**Mr. Stark**

I mean, if you really wanted to buy me potatoes, I’m sure I could find some use for them.

One of those cute little science fair clocks.

**Peter Parker**

i cannot imagine you making a clock with a potato

its just so

elementary

(my dear watson)

**Mr. Stark**

Then you could build one?

I don’t know.

**Peter Parker**

excuse me

rude

**Mr. Stark**

Or a potato-powered webshooter, or something.

Get creative.

**Peter Parker**

ok now youre talking

that sounds awesome

i wonder if i can make my webs potato scented for thanksgiving

that would be badass

**Mr. Stark**

Why the hell would anyone want that?

How do you think of this stuff?

Nobody wants New York City to smell like potatoes

Any more than it already does

**Peter Parker**

hey u gotta get into the holiday spirit somehow

plus orange webs are just too halloween-y

**Mr. Stark**

Paint a turkey on your suit, be Turkey-Man for a week.

Anything but potatoes.

**Peter Parker**

thats vandalism mr stark

**Mr. Stark**

Not if you do it to your own suit?

I paint my suit for pride month, how is Turkey-Man different?

**Peter Parker**

ok but the pan flag iron man suit was just awesome btw i have to say

**Mr. Stark**

Thank you.

A stroke of genius, if I say so myself.

**Peter Parker**

definitely!!!!

solidarity is great

not that im pan

but its still great

**Mr. Stark**

Couldn’t agree more.

But back to the potato webs

Do not.

**Peter Parker**

but it would be so cool!

plus who has ever meshed spiderwebs with potatoes?

no one bc im the first to figure out the formula to spider webbing

its a sacred duty mr stark

**Mr. Stark**

Ok but don’t you think maybe there’s a reason nobody has ever looked at a spiderweb and thought  
“You know what this needs? Potato.”

**Peter Parker**

clearly youve never read my mind

**Mr. Stark**

I think I’d be afraid to.

Turkey-Man is funnier, anyway.

You could paint the suit orange and brown

Add some feathers

Maybe a wattle

And you wouldn’t be considered a public menace for making the entire city smell like mashed potatoes.

**Peter Parker**

to be fair im already considered a public menace so that much wouldnt change

**Mr. Stark**

Fair enough.

**Peter Parker**

but its still V A N D A L I S M mr stark!!!!

i couldnt do that to the suit

im not a vandal. that would make me a criminal

id have to take myself to jail

have u seen me?

i wouldnt last a day in jail. they’d eat me alive

id be forced to sell my body to survive

**Mr. Stark**

You need to cut back on the Orange Is The New Black bingeing.

**Peter Parker**

probably.

**Mr. Stark**

Alright, consider this:

A Spider-suit

With built-in holiday designs

That you can shift between as the year goes on

So you don’t need to make your webs smell like fucking potatoes.

**Peter Parker**

>:0!!!!!!!!!!

mr stark that is so badasss!!!!!

how would u even do that?

like,,, reverse reflection panelling in the fabric of the suit?

nah that would make it too bulky

plus the paneling messes with the wiring, its too delicate to have a bunch of microsensors all around it

**Mr. Stark**

I have my ways.

Yes or no?

**Peter Parker**

but thats so much effort on your part

id feel bad

no, im good

**Mr. Stark**

Would you feel better about it if you helped?

**Peter Parker**

…

i can do that?

**Mr. Stark**

It’d be your suit.

You should have some input.

**Peter Parker**

hold on one moment

* * *

**Saturday,** _6:29pm_

Ned Solo

**Peter Parker**

NED HOLY FUCK

**Ned Solo**

what? whats happening now

do u still want me to kill u

**Peter Parker**

NO YOU CANT

IM GONNA

BE WORKING

WITH MR STARK

ON MY NEXT SUIT

I CANT DIE EVER NOW

**Ned Solo**

holy shit

what

how

when

why

**Peter Parker**

well apparently mr stark thinks potato-scented webs are a terrible idea

**Ned Solo**

i mean

he’s not

wrong

that’s kinda gross

**Peter Parker**

for thanksgiving!!!

its a theme! 

i wouldnt always use potato-scented webs

orange webs are just to halloween-y

ughh whatever

he just said i can help build my next suit

**Ned Solo**

ummmmmm

UMMMMMMM

U M M M M M M M

epic?????

**Peter Parker**

I KNOW I CANT FUCKIN BELIEVE IT WHAT IS MY LIFE

oh shit wait i havent responded to him

* * *

**Saturday,** _6:33pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

ahem

sorry

yes

i would

love that

thank you sir

**Mr. Stark**

You just took a minute to fangirl, didn’t you?

**Peter Parker**

noooooo…

**Mr. Stark**

It’s ok, no judgment, I would, too.

You’re welcome.

**Peter Parker**

youd fangirl over urself?

**Mr. Stark**

I’d fangirl over someone as awesome as myself inviting me to work with them, yes.

**Peter Parker**

fair

but theres no one else as awesome as u

so ig u dont get to experience that

**Mr. Stark**

I wouldn’t say

Well, ok, yes, I would say that.

You’re right.

But in theory.

**Peter Parker**

well ig this means potato scented webs would have to wait for another day

ur rly missing out

mashed potatoes is mays signature dish

**Mr. Stark**

I have nothing against mashed potatoes.

I just have something against the entire city smelling like them.

And I’m sure I’m not the only one.

**Peter Parker**

thats assuming i had enough webbing to make it around the entire city

it would mostly just be queens

which u like never come to so ud be safe

plus like??? u dont even live in new york city anymore whats it to u

**Mr. Stark**

It’s the principle of the thing, Peter.

**Peter Parker**

wow i genuinely think thats the first time ive ever seen/heard u say my name

im gonna screenshot

this is a monumental occasion

**Mr. Stark**

Spider-Turkey.

**Peter Parker**

?

**Mr. Stark**

Just making sure we all know I’m not stopping with the nicknames.

**Peter Parker**

oh

i mean

i didnt think you would

honestly i just sorta thought ud forgotten my name

**Mr. Stark**

I didn’t.

I don’t call anyone their real names.

It’s just a thing.

**Peter Parker**

isnt that just a way of establishing dominance

**Mr. Stark**

It’s more annoying than anything.

Which is what makes it fun.

**Peter Parker**

i guess? i dunno it just kinda comes across to me like a coping mechanism of some sort

i mean i dont know u that well and this might not apply at all

but the other day, our school counselor was talking about the power of names over people bc it was a bully seminar, w/e

and the consistent use of name calling/nicknames is just a way of establishing control in a situation that u dont feel explicitly in control of

which is common in people with trauma or those who have been in abusive situations

**Mr. Stark**

huh

**Peter Parker**

anyway now im just thinking about infusing my webs with as much stuff as i possibly can. u think i could put lavender in my webs?

* * *

**Saturday,** _6:59pm_

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Help?

**Rhodester**

What’s up?

**Tony Stark**

I’m being psychoanalyzed by a 15 year old.

And it’s accurate.

**Rhodester**

Why are you talking with a 15 year old in the first place?

**Tony Stark**

Unimportant.

Mashed potatoes.

None of your concern.

Focus, please.

**Rhodester**

Okay, okay, sorry.

Never thought I’d ever see you speaking to someone under twenty-one since you were under twenty-one. Threw me off a little.

**Tony Stark**

Rhodey.

I came to you for help.

Don’t make me ask Happy.

**Rhodester**

Christ, alright.

What is this fifteen year old saying anyway?

**Tony Stark**

I call people nicknames to establish dominance when I’m uncomfortable because of past trauma and abuse.

**Rhodester**

Right. So what is he saying?

**Tony Stark**

That is what he said.

**Rhodester**

Oh shit, really? A fifteen year old told you that?

**Tony Stark**

Yeah.

And he’s right and I don’t like it.

**Rhodester**

Is it really such a bad thing?

Not the nicknames being a source of trauma/abuse, etc, etc.

Just that he sees something you’re going through? A lot of dealing with these sorts of things is having someone who understands the situation you’re in, like how you helped me whenever I lost my legs.

If I didn’t have someone to empathize with, or someone who understood, I’d probably still be in a wheelchair, and not because you wouldn’t have built me the braces.

**Tony Stark**

It’s

A weird thing

He’s fifteen

I haven’t talked to him that much

And then he hits the nail on the head, first try.

**Rhodester**

Just because he’s fifteen doesn’t mean he can’t see things.

Even though you liked to act like you weren’t, you were an observant little shit when you were fifteen.

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, I know.

I don’t know, never mind.

**Rhodester**

Tony, don’t say never mind.

I’m here for you, man.

Honestly, I’m kinda glad he’s there for you too.

Or, wait, is he mocking you about it at all? Is that what it is?

**Tony Stark**

No.

Not mocking.

He was kind of just thinking out loud.

Well, as “out loud” as texting can be.

**Rhodester**

Then I think it’ll be okay.

You know better than anyone that kids can go through a lot by their teenage years. Maybe he just sees a kindred spirit in you, going through that type of thing.

Do you know much about him at all?

**Tony Stark**

He really likes potatoes.

It’s kind of concerning, actually.

**Rhodester**

Our culture is super obsessed with potato products, it’s really not that surprising.

Fuck, Irish people starved to death because of the lack of potatoes.

Regardless, what I’m trying to say is not to push him away because you’re a little thrown off. It’s not a bad thing if people see you.

Maybe you’ll see he’s going through something similar.

**Tony Stark**

Shit, I hope not.

He’s a good kid.

**Rhodester**

Evidently, if he’s caught your attention enough for you to give him your personal number.

**Tony Stark**

I was thinking of offering him an internship.

**Rhodester**

I thought the Avengers’ Initiative didn’t do internships.

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, it doesn’t. It wouldn’t be for the Avengers.

**Rhodester**

SI?

**Tony Stark**

Yeah. He’s smart. I’ve seen some of the stuff he’s built.

**Rhodester**

Do it. God knows you could probably use another person to call you out on your bullshit in your life.

**Tony Stark**

You’re hilarious, you know that?

**Rhodester**

You wouldn’t hang out with me if I wasn’t.

Hey, is he still texting you? Are you just ignoring him because he psyched you out?

**Tony Stark**

Uhhh

Maybe?

**Rhodester**

Tones. Text the kid back. 

**Tony Stark**

Ok, ok.

* * *

**Saturday,** _7:15pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

ok maybe the lavender is too much

but i wanna infuse it with something

maybe a different herb?

(herb is such a weird word, why have an h if its silent??? apparently also its not silent if ur british. the more u kno)

but theres tea tree oil? thats pleasant

or chamomile

or eucalyptus

or aloe

aloe is good for the skin, so i mean itd be nice to be webbed up in

ive always wanted those aloe infused socks that they sell at walmart, theyre so nice and thick and soft

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah, aloe is nice.

I’m sure the criminals would feel much better if their web cocoon prisons had aloe.

**Peter Parker**

oh good youre back!!

i was worried i scared you off

and hey man, id appreciate aloe webs if i had to be webbed up at all

then again… the webs dont stick to me so ig it doesnt matter either way

**Mr. Stark**

It doesn’t?

Not even a little bit?

**Peter Parker**

nah

not even a little bit

**Mr. Stark**

That’s not fair.

**Peter Parker**

sorry? pfff

im sticky, my webs are sticky, the stickiness cancels out

**Mr. Stark**

As a former victim of your webbing, I demand the rights to find something that you can get stuck in.

**Peter Parker**

you can try but, honestly, mr stark ive tried a whole lot already

glue rolls off my skin

stickers just fall to the ground

tape also just refuses to stay

even temporary tattoos dont work!

**Mr. Stark**

Hmph.

**Peter Parker**

the woes of being a spider

no more temporary thor tattoos

**Mr. Stark**

Thor, huh?

**Peter Parker**

yup

**Mr. Stark**

He’s my favorite, too.

**Peter Parker**

really?

**Mr. Stark**

Well, it sure as hell isn’t Cap.

**Peter Parker**

pffft yeah

cap used to be my third favorite after u and thor

but then he kinda kicked my ass at the airport so my opinion of him has lowered

(plus, like, everything else with the accords but thats another matter)

**Mr. Stark**

Cap was never my favorite.

Thor, though...

**Peter Parker**

thors hot

**Mr. Stark**

He really is.

**Peter Parker**

can i meet him one day?

**Mr. Stark**

Probably, he loves meeting fans.

That’s assuming, of course, we ever track him down, because nobody has seen him in a year and a half.

**Peter Parker**

hes gonna come back :)

and i will be waiting for when he does >:)

**Mr. Stark**

You’re aware he’s like 5000 years old?

**Peter Parker**

does he not like hugs? D:

do asgardians outgrow hugs?????

**Mr. Stark**

Oh

No, he loves hugs.

You’re good.

**Peter Parker**

oh! thats good

i feel like hed give rly good hugs

**Mr. Stark**

He does, actually.

**Peter Parker**

;-;

**Mr. Stark**

It’s like hugging a giant muscled teddy bear.

**Peter Parker**

oh

so cute

catch me crying in the club

**Mr. Stark**

No judgments, I’ve been there myself a few times, but… why?

**Peter Parker**

why what?

**Mr. Stark**

Crying?

**Peter Parker**

oh just the image of thor hugging u

**Mr. Stark**

That’s a mental image that warrants crying?

**Peter Parker**

yes!!!!

big burly asgardian god!! average-but-on-the-shorter-side mr stark being hugged!! by big burly man!! so small and surrounded!! its cute

its like a lion hugging a kitten

u cant not find it cute

**Mr. Stark**

Implying I’m a kitten?

Of all things?

I’m a cat person, but I am far too old to be compared to a kitten.

**Peter Parker**

depends on what youre being compared to

bc thor is 5000 years old

so ur super young in comparison

thereby being a kitten

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, well, I guess that’s not entirely wrong.

**Peter Parker**

nope!

oh aunt may says hi btw

in a very menacing tone yikes

rip mr stark

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, no, what did I do to invoke her wrath this time?

**Peter Parker**

i think shes under the impression that you just texted me for the first time

and is irritated that u havent been initiating more contact

**Mr. Stark**

Did you tell her that this is not the case?

**Peter Parker**

yeah i told her weve been talking a lot more

i just havent told her why this whole texting conversation started

shes suspicious tho

**Mr. Stark**

Of what?

**Peter Parker**

me

cause i wont tell her

i said i texted u first

and she asked what for

**Mr. Stark**

And you didn’t want to admit it was the potatoes.

**Peter Parker**

nope

**Mr. Stark**

I wouldn’t, either.

**Peter Parker**

:(((((

i rly am sorry

i didnt mean to text u about potatoes

**Mr. Stark**

It’s ok, it was entertaining.

Good conversation starter.

And now you get to help me make your next suit, so it’s really not that tragic, when you think about it.

**Peter Parker**

true!! i cant believe youre lettin me help you its so crazy

thank you again

seriously

it means… so much. more than u know

i rly do want to be more involved in everything because, you kno, everything that happened taught me im self sufficient

i just need access to resources that i otherwise dont have?

like all the technology and training

(which is awesome! idk if ive told u but thanks for letting me come up and train at the compound, too)

**Mr. Stark**

You’re welcome, kid.

I think you’ve more than earned the privilege.

**Peter Parker**

i dunno about that but its a nice sentiment

**Mr. Stark**

Oh my god can you just take the compliment?

**Peter Parker**

ahh sorry

um

thank you, mr stark

**Mr. Stark**

Again I say, you’re welcome.

:)

**Peter Parker**

<3

oh, um, mays saying dinners ready and we have a no phones at the dinner table rule

and after dinner im gonna go out as spidey so

talk to you later?

**Mr. Stark**

Sure, kid.

I’ll look forward to your Spidey update.

**Peter Parker**

definitely! all the details, i promise

**Mr. Stark**

You’d better.

I’m very nosy, I need all the details.

I’ll know if you leave anything out.

I Have Ways.

**Peter Parker**

yeah. i still dont know how u figured the warehouse out. ur like sherlock holmes i stg

**Mr. Stark**

If I’m Sherlock, who’s my Watson?

**Peter Parker**

colonel rhodes

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah, probably.

Ok, I’m gonna let you go to dinner now, because I don’t want your scary aunt to yell at me again.

Later, kid.

**Peter Parker**

l8r alligator!

* * *

**Saturday,** _7:34pm_

Ned Solo

**Peter Parker**

kill me

**Ned Solo**

again?!?!???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so much fun! this was also written in less than three hours.  
> no beta. we die like men.
> 
> hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aatticsaltt.tumblr.com/). I mean, if you want.


	2. how many star wars references is too many star wars references?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Peter Parker**  
>  help me mr stank, ur my only hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to the craziness
> 
> enjoy!

**Monday,** _10:28am_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

hey mr stank

STARK

I MEANT STARK

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, lord, not you, too.

**Peter Parker**

I SWEAR IT WAS A TYPO!!!!!

**Mr. Stark**

First Rhodey, now you. Who next? My own fiancée?

**Peter Parker**

wait wait wait wait… colonel rhodes calls you tony stank?

is that what im hearing?

**Mr. Stark**

…

No.

**Peter Parker**

pff

ahaha

thats

oh my god

* * *

**Monday,** _10:35am_

Golden Trio

**Peter Parker**

GUYS IM C R Y I N G

you would not believe what i just found out

**Ned Solo**

is it that wombats poop squares

bc im still upset about that

**Peter Parker**

what?

no

why are you upset about that?

**Ned Solo**

H O W

HOW DOES IT HAPPEN

WHAT MAKES IT SQUARE

IT DOESN’T MAKE S E N S E

**Peter Parker**

square butthole?

**Ned Solo**

literally no

its very confusing

i dont like it

**Princess MJ**

you guys are both idiots

they have a very long digestive process and the food dries up inside their digestive system and comes out in a square shape

they dont have square buttholes

**Peter Parker**

aw :/

thats disappointing

**Ned Solo**

ok but what makes it dry square

wait

this is off-topic

what were u actually gonna say

**Peter Parker**

OH

right

so i got bored and messaged mr stark

apparently col rhodes calls him “tony stank”

**Princess MJ**

lmao

**Ned Solo**

oh????? my god?????

r u serious

**Peter Parker**

yes

dead serious

its the funniest fucking thing ive ever heard in my life

_[image: a screenshot of his text messages with Tony.]_

**Ned Solo**

im deceased and this is the image that killed me

**Princess MJ**

i think that might be the greatest thing ive ever seen in my life

**Peter Parker**

i know right???

how did i get blessed on this day

by finding out my mentor was not tony stark

oh no

its tony stank

help me mr stank, ur my only hope

**Princess MJ**

oh my god

i will give you $10 if you say that to him

**Peter Parker**

is that a bet

**Princess MJ**

yes

**Peter Parker**

ur on gimme a sec

* * *

**Monday,** _10:41am_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

i would say im sorry for what is about to happen

but im really not

**Mr. Stark**

Should I be afraid?

**Peter Parker**

no but im about to earn ten bucks

ahem

help me mr stank, youre my only hope

**Mr. Stark**

You’re a little shit, you know that?

* * *

**Monday,** _10:42am_

Golden Trio

**Peter Parker**

_[image: a screenshot of his text messages with Tony.]_

bring me my money

**Princess MJ**

damn u actually did it

i’ll give u ur winnings at lunch

**Peter Parker**

yessssssss

* * *

**Monday,** _10:42am_

Mr. Stark

**Mr. Stark**

Hey, aren’t you supposed to be in class right now?

Why are you texting me during class?

**Peter Parker**

maaaybe

and bc im

bored

so why not right?

its not like ur doing anything vitally important

**Mr. Stark**

Says you.

I could be inventing the cure for cancer, right now.

You don’t know.

**Peter Parker**

maybe not but if u were doing that

why are YOU texting me

**Mr. Stark**

Because you called me Mr. Stank and I tend to react when people do that.

**Peter Parker**

how many people have called u mr stank in ur life

**Mr. Stark**

Two, if you count the mailman.

He’s very old.

Read the shipping label wrong.

It’s all his fault, really.

But I can’t get angry at a 90+ year old man, so I blame Rhodey for it instead.

Actually, counting you now, three.

**Peter Parker**

why is he 90 years old and still delivering mail

pls get this man his penchant omg

let him rest

**Mr. Stark**

Some old people are very set in their ways, you can’t do anything but stand back and let them live.

**Peter Parker**

like you?

**Mr. Stark**

Excuse you.

**Peter Parker**

to be fair you said you were old first

**Mr. Stark**

Yes, and then we established that I am a small kitten in comparison to some people.

Like Thor, and the geriatric mailman.

**Peter Parker**

yeah but like

does that rly count

bc both are kinda outliers

if u look at a typical human male lifespan

statistically it just doesnt add up

**Mr. Stark**

Who said we were looking at typical lifespans? Nobody informed me of this.

Bad information.

Leading the witness.

**Peter Parker**

technically you inferred that we were referring to a typical lifespan whenever i first compared you to a kitten and you called yourself old

so the only person leading the witness is the witness himself

**Mr. Stark**

Hmm, I don’t think so.

**Peter Parker**

admit defeat

**Mr. Stark**

Never.

**Peter Parker**

im marking this down as a victory for me regardless

mr stark: many, peter parker: one

**Mr. Stark**

Fine.

**Peter Parker**

to be fair ur usually right

actually make that two for me

**Mr. Stark**

Two?? Since when??

**Peter Parker**

uhhh since i was right about the vulture

**Mr. Stark**

Ugh. Ok. Fine. Two for you.

**Peter Parker**

:D

yay~

**Mr. Stark**

I hope your teacher sees you on your phone.

**Peter Parker**

ugghh

honestly sitting in the office would be more entertaining than this

its cal 1 and were doing derivatives mr stark

derivatives

**Mr. Stark**

My deepest sympathies.

But also that’s what you get for calling me Mr. Stank.

**Peter Parker**

the first time was unintentional!!!

the second time i won ten bucks for that

u cant honestly assume id turn down the bet

**Mr. Stark**

How did you even end up with a bet like that anyway?

Who gave you ten bucks for that?

**Peter Parker**

wombats

square poops

mj

**Mr. Stark**

Really loving the word association...

**Peter Parker**

ikr?

i should start writing slam poetry

it sounds so violent but its so pure in essence

**Mr. Stark**

I meant “thank you for associating me with wombats and square poop”

But I’m sure your girlfriend would think it was sweet that you wrote a poem for her, too.

**Peter Parker**

what

no

shes not my girlfriend

but yeah ur welcome

ned started it

**Mr. Stark**

Thank him for me, too.

**Peter Parker**

are u actually mad about being associated with wombats and square poops

**Mr. Stark**

I’ve been associated with worse, honestly, so no.

It’s kind of funny.

**Peter Parker**

oh good :)

ned would probably have a heart attack if i told him u were mad @ him

**Mr. Stark**

That’s no good, he’s too young for that.

**Peter Parker**

yeah but he does have a fainting problem

so i dont want him to faint mid cal class

**Mr. Stark**

Good thing I’m not mad, then.

**Peter Parker**

yeah for sure

but ur not actually associated with wombats and poop squares

that was just neds guess when i said i had smthn to tell them

**Mr. Stark**

Good to know.

Your friend has a strange mind.

No wonder you get along.

**Peter Parker**

>:p

rude

neds mind is full of brilliant ideas

**Mr. Stark**

But you’re not arguing that yours is strange.

**Peter Parker**

well the potato webs made me question bc no one seemed to think they were even an entertaining idea

**Mr. Stark**

Entertaining? Yes.

Good? No.

**Peter Parker**

i never once claimed it was a good idea

**Mr. Stark**

No, I suppose you didn’t.

At least there’s that.

**Peter Parker**

pfff

you have to think the idea of scented webs is pretty cool

**Mr. Stark**

In theory, maybe.

**Peter Parker**

i still stand by aloe webs

BUT

im still trying to crack spider silk

so youre safe from scented webs until then

**Mr. Stark**

You are a merciful godling.

**Peter Parker**

thank u

* * *

**Monday,** _11:04am_

The Fiancée

**The Fiancée**

Tony, who on EARTH are you texting right now? This is a Board of Directors meeting.

**Tony Stark**

Um.

You, dear.

:)

**The Fiancée**

Don’t be a smartass. Who were you texting before?

**Tony Stark**

The kid.

He started it.

**The Fiancée**

The KID is also fifteen and doesn’t know better. I’d assume my forty-seven year old fiance would. Apparently I was wrong.

**Tony Stark**

Come on, how long have you known me?

**The Fiancée**

Too long.

**Tony Stark**

Exactly.

So you should know by now… I do not know better.

**The Fiancée**

No, I know you don’t really know better. But you like to put face on around the kid.

So I would’ve thought you’d encourage him to get off his phone since he is also in high school right now.

**Tony Stark**

Would you believe me if I said I tried?

Because I actually did.

Honest.

**The Fiancée**

I highly doubt you put any effort into getting him off his phone.

**Tony Stark**

I didn’t… mean to not put any effort in.

I did ask him why he was on his phone.

He deflected.

**The Fiancée**

And you, the master of deflection, let a fifteen year old deflect the conversation?

**Tony Stark**

Hey, aren’t you supposed to be paying attention to the board meeting, Miss CEO?

**The Fiancée**

I am, Mr. Owner. If you looked up from your phone you’d notice as much.

Some of us are capable of multitasking.

Now tell the kid to focus in school and put your phone away.

**Tony Stark**

You say that like I can’t multitask.

But fine.

**The Fiancée**

Thank you.

(And I am aware you can multitask, but strangely, never when it comes to Peter.)

* * *

**Monday,** _11:11am_

The Kid

**Tony Stark**

I’m being harassed, I gotta go.

You do, too.

Stay in school, kid.

**The Kid**

lame

but ok

AND YOU WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF SMTHN IMPORTANT

ugh u drive me crazy

smh mr stark

smh

**Tony Stark**

You were the one who said I wasn’t, not me.

**The Kid**

i would hope ud know better than to text me in the middle of smthn important!

arent u the adult here?

**Tony Stark**

Why does everyone assume that?

No, I am not.

Emotionally, anyway.

**The Kid**

eh thats ok

we can balance each other out

u handle all the scary adult stuff like taxes

and i can deal with the emotions

**Tony Stark**

Deal.

I’m getting Death Stares, though, I really have to go.

**The Kid**

ok ok

bye mr stark

**Tony Stark**

Bye, kid.

* * *

**Monday,** _11:13am_

Golden Trio

**Peter Parker**

miss potts made mr stark get off his phone

:/

my free entertainment ditched me to suffer through derivatives

**Princess MJ**

u poor unfortunate soul

having to pay attention in class like the rest of us commonfolk

**Peter Parker**

i know its terrible

idk how you guys survive

im in pain and im in need

wheres ursula when u need her

**Princess MJ**

_[image: a page of MJ’s sketchbook with a caricature of the cal 1 teacher featured.]_

**Peter Parker**

oh my god

thats beautiful

thank you for this blessing

a hero in disguise

do you have any recent ones of flash

**Princess MJ**

are u sure ur ready for that level of glory

**Peter Parker**

im always ready

i was BORN ready

hit me with it

**Princess MJ**

_[image: another page of MJ’s sketchbook, with a sketch of Flash in his homecoming suit looking shellshocked on it.]_

that moment he realized spider-man “borrowed” his dad’s car and it’s never coming back

**Peter Parker**

omg

i really wish i had seen that

holy crap

thats

incredible

mj thank you for this seriously

this is the best thing ive seen in years

press f for respect

**Princess MJ**

does he deserve it tho

i mean, i’ll give him a pity f

it was really pathetic

**Peter Parker**

oof yeah

pity f

ned where is ur pity f

**Ned Solo**

sorry i was gonna reply but then i saw mj sent a picture and i knew i wasnt gonna be able to look at it without laughing very very loudly so i didn’t

but yeah flash gets a pity f

**Peter Parker**

mood

i wonder what did happen to that car

**Ned Solo**

srsly

u forgot?

**Princess MJ**

did he ever know?

**Ned Solo**

uh

…

no

?

**Peter Parker**

i mean i knew it went missing

bc spidey took it

**Princess MJ**

yeah, the police found it like a week later

spidey totaled it or smth

and left it in the parking lot of that warehouse that collapsed

**Peter Parker**

damn

another pity f

**Ned Solo**

f

**Princess MJ**

f

**Peter Parker**

f

* * *

**Monday,** _3:45pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

are u free now

like

not actually doing anything direly important

or in a meeting

basically is miss potts gonna be mad if you text me

**Mr. Stark**

I don’t think so, but I feel like I need to ask, just in case.

**Peter Parker**

you do that

* * *

**Monday,** _3:51pm_

The Fiancée

**Tony Stark**

Do I have permission to talk to the kid now?

**The Fiancée**

Hon, as long as you’re not in a meeting or on a strict deadline, you can text whoever you want.

**Tony Stark**

Had to make sure.

Love you.

**The Fiancée**

Love you more.

* * *

**Monday,** _3:52pm_

Mr. Stark

**Mr. Stark**

Pepper says I can talk now.

**Peter Parker**

yay :)

**Mr. Stark**

:)

So… how was school?

**Peter Parker**

ugh

boring

i swear theyre trying to make me lose brain cells

**Mr. Stark**

I think I remember that being my experience, too.

It’s the world’s biggest conspiracy.

**Peter Parker**

honestly yeah

u probs had it worse tho

**Mr. Stark**

Did I?

What makes you say that?

**Peter Parker**

ur smarter than me

so more bored

1+1=2

**Mr. Stark**

I suppose so.

Then again, I was a Problem Kid.

I had many creative ways to entertain myself that usually ended in detention.

Until I learned how to avoid getting caught.

>:)

**Peter Parker**

oh geez

i dont wanna know

**Mr. Stark**

Probably not.

**Peter Parker**

ok but like

what is ur iq

im super curious

it was never stated in any of ur autobiographies

not

that ive read all of them

**Mr. Stark**

No, of course you haven’t.

**Peter Parker**

definitely not

that would mean im a die hard fanboy

and im

totally not

haha

**Mr. Stark**

Aw, I thought you were.

Now I’m disappointed.

**Peter Parker**

mean

ur mean

**Mr. Stark**

270

Last I checked.

**Peter Parker**

woah

thats insane

270!!!!

im quaking 

wow just wow

**Mr. Stark**

So I’ve been told.

Not that many people have heard the number.

I just speak and everyone says “wow!”

**Peter Parker**

pfff

ok mr stark

but thank u for telling me

i feel honored im one of the few

i wont tell anyone if u dont want me to

**Mr. Stark**

It’s not exactly my biggest secret, or anything, but I tend to keep it quiet.

**Peter Parker**

still i wont say anything

biggest secret or no

**Mr. Stark**

Thanks, kid.

I appreciate that.

**Peter Parker**

of course :)

**Mr. Stark**

What prompted you to ask, anyway?

Not that I mind.

**Peter Parker**

may recently had me tested

like my iq tested not like “are u a crazy person” test

so ive just been thinking about it

and then we talked about u being smarter than me (which u are obvs)

just on the mind ig

**Mr. Stark**

Understandable.

If you don’t mind me asking, then, what’s yours?

**Peter Parker**

i dont mind!

but i also dont know yet, so

my results havent come in yet

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, alright.

You excited to find out?

**Peter Parker**

im not really sure

i dont think it really matters all that much

but may wanted to know bc apparently she thinks im up there

so we will see i guess

**Mr. Stark**

I guess you will.

Keep me updated on that, you’ve got me curious, now.

**Peter Parker**

i will let u know as soon as i find out :)

**Mr. Stark**

Good.

So, hey, I had a question for you.

**Peter Parker**

yes?

**Mr. Stark**

You know how I said you could help me create your next suit?

**Peter Parker**

how could i forget????

**Mr. Stark**

How would you feel about turning that into a formal internship?

So, instead of just coming up to the Compound to train a couple times a month, you could come a couple times a week, after school.

Make that Stark Internship you’ve been telling everyone you have an actual thing, instead of a cover story.

**Peter Parker**

holy shit

are you serious

ur not pulling my leg?????

**Mr. Stark**

Not even a little.

**Peter Parker**

woah

hold on

i gotta process this

what the whaaat

i mean yes!!! of course!! i just

why me??

**Mr. Stark**

Why not you?

**Peter Parker**

i dunno

just hard to wrap my head around being an intern at stark industries

**Mr. Stark**

Not AN intern.

MY intern.

My personal intern.

You’d be working with me personally.

**Peter Parker**

i

uh

woah

woah

woah

woah

omg

this is crazy

i cant even

my brain wont compute????

**Mr. Stark**

You didn’t think I let normal interns work on high-tech supersuits, did you?

**Peter Parker**

well… no

**Mr. Stark**

Therefore, you could not be a normal intern.

**Peter Parker**

yeah but like

YOUR intern

tony starks intern

no one would believe it

I dont believe it

**Mr. Stark**

Well, you’d better figure out a way to believe it, because it’s going to happen.

We can do the paperwork this weekend.

**Peter Parker**

yeah

sure

of course

**Mr. Stark**

Good. :)

**Peter Parker**

good! :)

but

how tf am i supposed to convince anyone this is real

first i said i was just an SI intern and then i “lost” the internship and now suddenly im YOUR intern??

no one believed me before

**Mr. Stark**

Maybe you can “accidentally” photobomb one of my tech updates on Instagram.

**Peter Parker**

omg flash would lose his shit

**Mr. Stark**

Who?

**Peter Parker**

oh just one of the kids in my grade

hes almost a bigger fan of you than i am

**Mr. Stark**

Who the fuck names their kid Flash?

**Peter Parker**

his name is eugene

his nickname is flash tho

**Mr. Stark**

Who the fuck names their kid Eugene??

**Peter Parker**

uh. well u might know them

theyre big in the science industry

thompsons ring a bell?

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, dear god, they procreated??

That poor kid.

**Peter Parker**

uh yeah

poor flash

**Mr. Stark**

Let me guess, he’s just like them.

**Peter Parker**

ive never met his parents so i have no idea

**Mr. Stark**

I’m going to guess based on your reaction that he is.

So, poor you.

**Peter Parker**

i mean hes rly not that bad

i honestly kinda feel bad for him bc his dads car might have been the one i wrecked the night of the plane crash

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, god, I really shouldn’t find that funny.

**Peter Parker**

i feel bad mr stark!!!

flash got into huge trouble bc of me

even if he didnt know it was me

i mean… it wasnt his fault it got wrecked i kinda intimidated him into giving me the car

bc i was in a hurry and couldnt waste web fluid since i didnt have any extra canisters

**Mr. Stark**

I’m having a hard time imagining you intimidating anyone.

**Peter Parker**

rude

i can be intimidating

**Mr. Stark**

Debatable.

**Peter Parker**

>:(

**Mr. Stark**

See, I feel like I’m being glared at by a newborn golden retriever puppy.

**Peter Parker**

ur so mean

im trying my best

**Mr. Stark**

It’s a really good thing you wear the mask when you’re out catching criminals, kid.

**Peter Parker**

im not talking to you

**Mr. Stark**

Oh no, whatever will I do now?

**Peter Parker**

…

be a little sad i hope

**Mr. Stark**

You’re still talking to me, so I don’t see a point in being sad yet.

**Peter Parker**

.

.

.

**Mr. Stark**

See, even the dots, you’re paying attention to me.

As long as I’m getting attention, I can’t be sad.

**Peter Parker**

ugh

ignoring u is hard

i dont want to ignore u

**Mr. Stark**

:)

Then don’t.

**Peter Parker**

… would u be sad if i did tho?

**Mr. Stark**

I might.

**Peter Parker**

:)

id be rly sad if u ignored me again

but weve moved past that stage?

for good?

**Mr. Stark**

Yep :)

**Peter Parker**

ok good

i really dont wanna go back to that

**Mr. Stark**

I’d prefer not to, either.

Communicating through Happy is very ineffective.

He leaves stuff out.

**Peter Parker**

or doesnt answer at all

**Mr. Stark**

That too.

**Peter Parker**

or hangs up on u

when ur trying to tell him about an emergency

**Mr. Stark**

How many times did he do that?

**Peter Parker**

once

**Mr. Stark**

Well, at least it was only once.

He feels bad about that, by the way.

He’s made a point of saying so several times since then.

**Peter Parker**

i know

i dont want him to feel bad, he didnt know

it was just very frustrating in the moment

**Mr. Stark**

I’m sure it was, that was a big night.

**Peter Parker**

yeah lol

but i didnt rly have time to be mad about it

im not mad about it

pls make sure he does know that for sure

im gonna make sure hold on

* * *

**Monday,** _4:45pm_

Happy

**Peter Parker**

im not mad at you

**Happy**

For what?

**Peter Parker**

you know what

**Happy**

I really don’t, kid.

Humor me.

**Peter Parker**

no

as long as you know im not mad

cause im not

ask mr stark

* * *

**Monday,** _4:46pm_

Boss

**Happy Hogan**

Boss, what the fuck is the kid talking about?

**Boss**

Why aren’t you asking the kid?

**Happy Hogan**

He said no.

**Boss**

Oh.

He’s making sure you know he’s not mad at you for hanging up on him.

**Happy Hogan**

Oh.

Why couldn’t he have just said that?

**Boss**

Hell if I know.

Strange kid.

**Happy Hogan**

He’s your problem now.

**Boss**

Thank you. :)

**Happy Hogan**

No, thank you.

* * *

**Monday,** _4:51pm_

The Kid

**Tony Stark**

Are you satisfied now?

**The Kid**

marginally

**Tony Stark**

Only marginally?

**The Kid**

i will only ever be fully satisfied when i get aloe-infused socks

**Tony Stark**

Noted.

**The Kid**

also

wait

nevermind

**Tony Stark**

No, what?

**The Kid**

nothing, absolutely nothing

it doesnt matter!

**Tony Stark**

Hmm.

I don’t believe you.

Try again.

**The Kid**

why are you wanting to know so bad?

**Tony Stark**

Because I’m a naturally curious, nosy person.

**The Kid**

arent curious and nosy kinda indicative of each other

**Tony Stark**

Kinda, but “nosy” is usually more obnoxious.

**The Kid**

true

but my desires have no consequence to you

so no

**Tony Stark**

Don’t I have a right to be invested in and informed of the wellbeing of my personal intern?

**The Kid**

i GUESS if u put it that way

then yeah probably

i dont know

ive never been someones personal intern before

**Tony Stark**

Well, I think I do.

So tell me what you were going to say.

**The Kid**

a hug

**Tony Stark**

Really?

That’s it?

**The Kid**

yup

im easily pleased

**Tony Stark**

The way you were carrying on, I thought it was going to be much more embarrassing than that.

**The Kid**

well its the person i want a hug from

is all

thats the embarrassing part

**Tony Stark**

Ok, well, now I gotta know that part, too.

**The Kid**

no

**Tony Stark**

:p You’re no fun.

**The Kid**

peer pressure is no fun mr stark

**Tony Stark**

It’s that MJ girl, isn’t it?

You’ve got a crush, that’s why it’s embarrassing.

Teenage hormones are nothing to be ashamed of, Peter.

Except when they are.

**The Kid**

oh my god mr stark nooooo

i want a hug from YOU not mj

geez

**Tony Stark**

Oh.

Me, really?

What about Thor?

**The Kid**

yes really

and thors not my mentor, is he?

**Tony Stark**

No.

I hope not, anyway, I got here first...

**The Kid**

pfff

not to mention hes not on earth rn

i havent been to space… yet

**Tony Stark**

You’re not missing that much.

3/10, wouldn’t really recommend.

**The Kid**

thankfully i have no reasonable means of getting into space presently

but space travel is totally gonna be a thing and im so excited for it

im gonna name my ship the millennium falcon

or the enterprise

i cant decide

**Tony Stark**

The Millenium Enterprise.

**The Kid**

u might be onto something there

**Tony Stark**

The best of both worlds.

**The Kid**

tru

anyway i gotta go mr stark

i have to figure out how to spend my ten bucks from this morning

then go do some spidey work

**Tony Stark**

Alright, then.

Have fun saving the city.

Enjoy your winnings.

You don’t deserve them because that was a ridiculous bet but enjoy them.

**The Kid**

always :)

(and it was totally worth it mr stank)

**Tony Stark**

I’m gonna start calling you Underoos again if you don’t watch it.

Anyway, later, kid.

* * *

**Monday,** _5:08pm_

The Fiancée

**Tony Stark**

Hey, Pep, which pair of socks looks cozier?

_[image: two pairs of aloe-infused socks from Wal-Mart]_

**The Fiancée**

What on Earth are you shopping at Wal-Mart for?

I thought you swore off shopping at Wal-Mart.

**Tony Stark**

I’m breaking my rule just this once.

Which pair?

**The Fiancée**

The first. Why?

**Tony Stark**

Kid wants them.

**The Fiancée**

Oh lord, help me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aatticsaltt.tumblr.com/). I mean, if you want.


	3. in which tony has a lot of feels and rhodey is tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is largely tony-centric, and takes place (as it will explain) three weeks since chapter two.
> 
> enjoy!

**Thursday,** _ 8:12am _

The Kid

**The Kid**

last night i had the strangest dream

**Tony Stark**

Did you?

**The Kid**

i sailed away to china

in a little rowboat to find ya

**Tony Stark**

Ah.

**The Kid**

and u said u had to get ur laundry cleaned

didnt want no one to hold ya

what does that mean?

and u said

**Tony Stark**

Ain’t nothin gonna break-a my stride

**The Kid**

!!

aint nobody gonna slow me down! oh no

**Tony Stark**

I got to keep on movin

**The Kid**

yessss

ahaha 

the best

**Tony Stark**

Was there a point to that, or did you just feel like seeing if you could get Tony Stark to do karaoke via text?

**The Kid**

yes

**Tony Stark**

Yes.

Right.

**The Kid**

it was fun!!

anyway i gotta get to school

oh and good morning mr stark :)

**Tony Stark**

Morning, kid.

:)

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 8:23am _

Tony

**Pepper Potts**

FRIDAY just told me you’re awake. Is everything alright? 

You’re never up this early unless I’ve forced you up.

**Tony**

She’s lying. I’m not awake. I’m still asleep.

**Pepper Potts**

Oh, yes, I’m sure.

Dead asleep.

**Tony**

The kid texted me, it woke me up.

**Pepper Potts**

Is he okay?

**Tony**

He’s fine.

On his merry little way to school.

Far too chipper for 8 in the morning.

**Pepper Potts**

He is fifteen.

**Tony**

I was never that awake at 8 in the morning when I was fifteen.

**Pepper Potts**

You’ve always been something of an outlier.

**Tony**

And proud of it.

He started texting lyrics at me.

Completely unprompted.

**Pepper Potts**

At 8 in the morning?

**Tony**

Yep.

Wanted to see if I would text them back, or something.

Break My Stride.

Good song.

Bad hour for singing.

Need more sleep.

**Pepper Potts**

I’ll have FRIDAY order a venti cold brew from Starbucks for you.

**Tony**

That works too.

**Pepper Potts**

You have quite a bit of paperwork waiting for you, anyhow.

No time to sleep until noon.

**Tony**

Boo.

I don’t sleep until noon.

**Pepper Potts**

Sure, whatever you say hon.

But, you have to admit, Tony, Peter texting you first thing in the morning is pretty adorable.

**Tony**

Is it?

I guess.

**Pepper Potts**

It meant he was thinking about you.

And wanted to share whatever was on his mind.

Even if it only happened to be an 80’s pop song.

**Tony**

Yeah, I guess that’s kind of cute.

**Pepper Potts**

I do still expect you to come down and work on this paperwork, though.

**Tony**

Ugh.

Fine.

Getting up now.

**Pepper Potts**

I love you.

**Tony**

Love you more.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 9:55 am _

The Kid

**The Kid**

though i keep searchin for an answer

i never seem to find what im lookin for

**Tony Stark**

This again?

Really?

**The Kid**

oh lord i pray you give me strength to carry on

cause i know what it means

to walk along the lonely street of dreams

**Tony Stark**

Ok, I’ll play.

And here I go again on my own

Goin' down the only road I've ever known

**The Kid**

like a drifter i was born to walk alone

**Tony Stark**

And I’ve made up my mind

I ain’t wasting no more time

**The Kid**

AND HERE I GO AGAIN ON MY OWN

**Tony Stark**

You just skipped an entire verse.

**The Kid**

whatever just go with it

the chorus is the best part anyway

**Tony Stark**

True.

Going down the only road I’ve ever known

**The Kid**

LIKE A DRIFTER I WAS BORN TO WALK ALONE

AND IVE MADE UP MY MIND

**Tony Stark**

I ain’t wasting no more time!

**The Kid**

HERE I GO AGAAAINNNNN

insert rly cool guitar riffs here

**Tony Stark**

Danananananana

**The Kid**

pffftt

yeah exactly like that

dannananananananannana

**Tony Stark**

What exactly is the point of this, anyway?

**The Kid**

you gotta guess the point!!!

otherwise its no fun

**Tony Stark**

Aside from catering to my love of 80s music, I don’t really see a point.

**The Kid**

[nose emoji][left-pointing finger]

**Tony Stark**

Really?

That’s it?

**The Kid**

whats it

**Tony Stark**

You’re just quoting 80s songs at me because I like 80s music?

**The Kid**

yeah!

ik u like it a lot so im listening to a bunch of songs

so i know the lyrics next time u play them at the compound

**Tony Stark**

That is

Kind of adorable, kid.

**The Kid**

its not adorable!

**Tony Stark**

It’s a little bit adorable.

**The Kid**

hmph

im just trying stuff u enjoy

so we have more things to talk about

besides just talking shop or w/e

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 10:02am _

The Fiancée

**Tony Stark**

Pep, he’s educating himself about 80’s music for me, can we keep him?

**The Fiancée**

I thought that was the whole point of the internship.

Are you suggesting you want to become a legal guardian?

**Tony Stark**

Um.

Is that what I said?

I don’t think that’s exactly what I said.

**The Fiancée**

You just asked to keep him.

**Tony Stark**

Is that what that means?

**The Fiancée**

Essentially, yes.

**Tony Stark**

Oh.

Maybe?

Is that weird?

That’s weird...

**The Fiancée**

Weird? No. 

Unexpected, sure.

You’ve never been the type for kids.

**Tony Stark**

I mean, I’ve always liked kids.

Didn’t think kids liked me that much.

**The Fiancée**

Clearly you were wrong.

**Tony Stark**

This one might be a fluke, though.

**The Fiancée**

Tony, honey… it’s not a fluke.

Peter admires you.

You’re good with him.

It’s not a one-time occurence that a child might like you, especially if you treat them the same way you treat Peter.

**Tony Stark**

Well…

**The Fiancée**

You love him, don’t you?

**Tony Stark**

What??

Do I?

**The Fiancée**

It’s fairly obvious.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 10:19am _

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Do I love the kid?

**Rhodester**

What?

**Tony Stark**

Pepper thinks I love the kid.

You know me really well.

Is she right?

**Rhodester**

Jesus, Tones.

How am I supposed to tell you your own feelings?

**Tony Stark**

Well, you never had a fuckin problem with it in college, did you?

**Rhodester**

I saw you every day in college, often in the middle of one crisis or another.

It was a survival mechanism.

**Tony Stark**

Humor me.

**Rhodester**

If you want my best guess, yes, you do.

**Tony Stark**

…

Right.

Cool.

**Rhodester**

Tony, your personality has basically become the kid.

The past thirty times you’ve texted me, it had something to do with him.

**Tony Stark**

Not EVERY time.

**Rhodester**

You wanna scroll up and confirm that?

**Tony Stark**

No.

**Rhodester**

That’s what I thought.

It’s not a bad thing that you love him. Honestly, you’ve seemed happier ever since you took him under your wing.

I didn’t think I’d see that again after what happened for a while, but you had come back smiling after dropping the kid off the first night back in the States.

**Tony Stark**

Really?

**Rhodester**

Yup.

You told me ALL about how the kid had filmed the entire thing, “It was a cute little video diary, Rhodey, the kid narrated the whole thing.”

And that you said you hoped his aunt was wearing something skimpy right in front of him.

**Tony Stark**

I made sure he knew that was a joke.

**Rhodester**

Yeah, but it was the first time you were flustered about an inappropriate joke.

Because you don’t want him to see you in that way, huh?

**Tony Stark**

I guess not.

**Rhodester**

Regardless, do you think you love him?

**Tony Stark**

I think he’s an annoying little shit.

But I like having him around.

**Rhodester**

What prompted Pepper to think you did anyway?

**Tony Stark**

The kid said he was learning about 80’s music so we’d have something to talk about, and I asked Pepper if we could keep him.

It was stupid.

**Rhodester**

lol

**Tony Stark**

Don’t “lol” me.

**Rhodester**

I can “lol” you if I want to.

**Tony Stark**

I’m in the middle of something, here, and you’re laughing at me.

**Rhodester**

Because you’re being ridiculous about it all.

And however you think you feel for him, that kid definitely loves you.

**Tony Stark**

You think?

**Rhodester**

It’s not a matter of “think” anymore.

**Tony Stark**

Huh.

I think I love him, too.

**Rhodester**

Awwww.

**Tony Stark**

You, though.

You, I hate.

**Rhodester**

I love you, too, smartass.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 10:31am _

The Fiancée

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, you’re right.

I love the kid.

**The Fiancée**

You just asked Rhodey, didn’t you?

**Tony Stark**

Maybe.

**The Fiancée**

You’re adorable.

**Tony Stark**

I do what I can.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 10:32am _

The Kid

**The Kid**

mr stttttttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrk

**Tony Stark**

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

**The Kid**

:)

u read my message and left me on read

rude

im over here bearing my soul

and then u leave me on read!!!

**Tony Stark**

Sorry, kid, I got a little preoccupied.

Won’t happen again.

**The Kid**

its ok!!

im mostly teasing

ik ur a super busy guy

rly im just grateful u text me at all :)

**Tony Stark**

Well, you are currently my only source of regular daily entertainment.

**The Kid**

but ur iron man??

**Tony Stark**

I said entertainment.

**The Kid**

yeah ik but like

if i had access to ur suits i would go joyriding every day

thats entertainment

**Tony Stark**

I can’t even remember the last time I took one of the suits for a joyride.

**The Kid**

you should rly do that sometime

id cheer u on

**Tony Stark**

Maybe Spider-Man could tag along.

**The Kid**

how would i fly

**Tony Stark**

You’d stick to the suit somehow, I don’t know.

Maybe dangle from a web.

**The Kid**

sounds simultaneously terrifying and thrilling

im in

**Tony Stark**

Good :)

**The Kid**

when??? 0-0

u got me excited now

**Tony Stark**

Well, you’re coming up to the Compound for your first day of real interning next week.

How about then?

**The Kid**

cooooool

i mean

yes

thank you :)

**Tony Stark**

You’re welcome.

It’ll be fun. :)

**The Kid**

totally!!!!

ugh im so excited to actually do intern-y things now, too!!!!

its so annoying that u have to put the paperwork thru the school systems

school systems are slow

three whole weeeeeks

**Tony Stark**

The wait is over, it’s official now.

You are Tony Stark’s personal intern.

**The Kid**

:)))))))))

hehehehehehehehehehehehehe

how does it feel to have a personal intern now

**Tony Stark**

I feel like I’m going to need a lot more caffeine to be able to keep up with your level of energy.

**The Kid**

wdym???

im not THAT energetic

**Tony Stark**

You are the Energizer Bunny.

**The Kid**

aww man i feel like this is a new nickname now

**Tony Stark**

It is, now.

**The Kid**

ugh

thats up to, what…

underoos, spider-kid, kid…

well, i guess not that many unless im forgetting some

**Tony Stark**

You got them all, for now.

**The Kid**

for now is so ominous

it gives me the shivers

**Tony Stark**

You’re not anywhere near Rhodey’s level yet, calm down.

**The Kid**

oh yeah

i forget u guys have known each other since, like, the dawn of time

**Tony Stark**

If you consider 1985 to be “the dawn of time”, yeah.

**The Kid**

hm

i guess not

**Tony Stark**

Good.

I am not prehistoric, thank you very much.

We are not having that conversation again.

**The Kid**

even if u were ud be my favorite dinosaur

**Tony Stark**

…

Thanks, kid.

**The Kid**

youre welcome :))

also colonel rhodes seems rly cool i wish i couldve gotten to meet him for real

**Tony Stark**

Hold on one second.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 10:51am _

The Kid, Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Everyone here?

Roll call.

If present, say “I”.

Kid, Rhodey?

**The Kid**

eye

**Rhodester**

I

**Tony Stark**

Good.

Commence official meeting.

**The Kid**

this is way cool!!! group chat with war machine and iron man

oh man neds gonna flip

even mj would think its cool and she doesnt think anythings cool

im gonna send a screenshot to aunt may

can i do it?

im gonna do it

this is awesome

**Rhodester**

My god, how can his thumbs move that fast?

**Tony Stark**

It’s a scientific anomaly.

Nobody knows.

**The Kid**

i know!!!!!

**Tony Stark**

You know?

**The Kid**

well yeah obviously

i just said i did

**Rhodester**

lol

**Tony Stark**

Oh my god, you and your “lol”ing, you need to quit that, it’s unnerving.

Go on, then, explain.

**The Kid**

lol

**Rhodester**

lol

**Tony Stark**

STOP.

**The Kid**

LOL anyway

explanation

so basically like!! i have this sixth sense, right? it helps me sense danger n stuff

its how i can dodge bullets, etc

but sometimes it acts up for no reason, but ive noticed sometimes its when i get excited

so either time slows down (unlikely) or i move so fast time seems slow by comparison (ding ding ding!) so ig i get super excited and test super fast

and yeah

**Tony Stark**

When the hell have you been dodging bullets??

WHY the hell have you been dodging bullets?

**The Kid**

well should i let the bullets hit me then?

**Tony Stark**

Why are you anywhere within a 100-mile radius of bullets?

**The Kid**

dude

i cant not be within a 100-mile radius of bullets

except maybe siberia

**Tony Stark**

Do I need to put you in a bulletproof bubble?

**The Kid**

i am the bulletproof bubble

i can dodge the bullets!!!

its fine, mr stark

**Tony Stark**

Hmph.

**Rhodester**

lol

**Tony Stark**

YOU STOP THAT.

**The Kid**

lol

**Tony Stark**

Not you, too.

Group chat was clearly a mistake.

**Rhodester**

Man, I’m sorry, but it’s just hilarious.

**The Kid**

oh :(

**Rhodester**

Now you made him sad. Look at it, a sad emoji and everything. Pathetic.

**The Kid**

truly

so sad

**Rhodester**

He could cry.

**The Kid**

i could

smh mr stark

**Rhodester**

Yeah, what he said.

**Tony Stark**

No, no crying.

I’m sorry.

**The Kid**

aw :(

no dont be

im not actually sad

**Tony Stark**

I’m getting whiplash over here.

**The Kid**

D: im sorryyyyy

we were just messing around

i swear im not sad

i mean im sad NOW

but i wasnt before

**Tony Stark**

No, don’t be sad-

Oh my god.

I’m fine.

**The Kid**

:(

**Tony Stark**

I’m fine.

Seriously.

No more sad faces.

**The Kid**

okay…

if ur sure

**Tony Stark**

I’m sure.

**The Kid**

k :)

**Rhodester**

So, this was all so I could finally meet the kid?

**Tony Stark**

More so he could meet you, but yeah, similar concept.

**The Kid**

right! hi colonel rhodes!!!!!!!!!! :D so nice to finally meet you!

i was gonna say hi at the airport but it didnt feel like the right time and then i got ignored for a couple months until i crashed a plane

**Rhodester**

Nice to officially meet you too, kid. Tony tells me about you all the time.

**The Kid**

o rly?? 0-0

**Tony Stark**

I talk about a lot of things.

I’m always talking.

I never shut up.

Who’s to say what I talk about frequently?

**Rhodester**

I think there are means of finding out.

Statistics is a thing, after all, and I have written data that I could present.

**Tony Stark**

Or you could…

Not.

**Rhodester**

Why, are you embarrassed? What could you possibly be embarrassed about?

**Tony Stark**

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

**The Kid**

i feel like im missing smthn here

**Tony Stark**

You are.

**The Kid**

what is it?

**Rhodester**

Tony’s true feelings.

**Tony Stark**

Thin ice, Jimmy Dean.

Thin fucking ice.

**The Kid**

awww its ok mr stark!!

im not gonna be pushy, feelings are hard to talk about sometimes, i totally get it

i just hope ur ok, and u got colonel rhodes as a support system which is good!

so hopefully no bad feelings :)

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:04am _

Rhodester

**Rhodester**

What is this kid, a fucking saint?

**Tony Stark**

Something like that.

Fuck.

**Rhodester**

You emotional?

**Tony Stark**

No.

Maybe.

Just a little.

**Rhodester**

Wanna talk about it?

**Tony Stark**

I don’t know if I can explain it.

I’m a little…

I’ve never really wanted kids, you know?

I don’t think I’d be any good at raising them.

But now there’s this kid, and I want this kid, very specifically.

Not just A kid.

This one.

This is the kid.

You know?

**Rhodester**

Yeah… is it really such a bad thing you want to be something to him?

Is it bad you want to be a father-figure to him?

Because honestly after only a couple of minutes of watching you two interact, I think you’d be good for him.

**Tony Stark**

I don’t know if I’m good for him as much as I think he’s good for me and I’m a selfish asshole so I want to keep him.

**Rhodester**

Didn’t he lose his parents?

**Tony Stark**

Yeah.

And an uncle.

**Rhodester**

So Peter only has the aunt he mentioned?

**Tony Stark**

Right.

**Rhodester**

And what exactly have you been trying to do the past couple of weeks?

Step up into a role watching over him? Help teach him how you make his tech so he can be self-reliant? Giving him ample training opportunities with Avengers? 

Quite literally hanging up the A+ he got on an essay on the fridge? 

**Tony Stark**

Ok, you have to admit, that was a damn good essay.

**Rhodester**

And you have to admit you’re filling a role in his life that’s been empty for a while.

Just because he comes across emotionally stable (terrifyingly so for a fifteen year old) doesn’t mean he doesn’t rely on you just as much as you might on him.

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, I guess… you might be on to something.

**Rhodester**

Usually am.

**Tony Stark**

Smartass.

**Rhodester**

Admittedly the bullet thing is very concerning, though.

**Tony Stark**

Right??

**Rhodester**

Did he even tell you people were taking pot shots off at Spidey?

**Tony Stark**

NO.

HE DID NOT.

And I haven’t been checking the Baby Monitor as often because I’ve been trying to do the trust thing.

Clearly I shouldn’t trust him THAT much.

**Rhodester**

He’s impulsive. I think his powers have skewed his sense of mortality a bit.

Sounds kind of like a dad thing to talk to him about.

(Also, Baby Monitor??? Really? No wonder he hacked the suit.)

**Tony Stark**

It’s just the name for the protocol! Your suit has one too, it’s just a different name.

He was fourteen when I made that suit, it was funny.

It still is.

**Rhodester**

Yeah, maybe. But can you remember when I called you a baby when you were fifteen?

**Tony Stark**

Touché.

Still funny.

Not changing it.

**Rhodester**

Also you have noticed he’s blowing up the groupchat, right?

**Tony Stark**

You’re ignoring him, too.

**Rhodester**

Because unlike you, I don’t have an emotional attachment to him yet. My emotional attachment is to you, and clearly you needed to talk.

**Tony Stark**

Aww, platypus, you big softie.

**Rhodester**

Don’t let it go to your head.

**Tony Stark**

Too late. :) <3

**Rhodester**

lol

**Tony Stark**

I’m gonna let that one slide because I know you love me.

**Rhodester**

Unfortunately.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:21am _

The Kid, Rhodester

**The Kid**

in any case the group chat name is lame

we should change it

anyone have any ideas???

hello???

ok well you guys are gone thats fine

i can talk to myself

peter: i have a few ideas

peter: oh go ahead!

ok im done typing my name

idea: snap crackle and pop

bc ur old and ur backs pop

(im kidding btw)

orrr hm… 

why dont u guys have a team name

like besides avengers

why dont u guys have a team name ur best friends and wear matching armor suits how does that make any sense

the dynamic iron duo

nah doesnt have the same alliteration as dynamic duo, throws off the whole vibe

uh... iron duo? no dynamic? no?

okay probably not

ooo Iron-Vengers. 

nah thats stupid. ugh names are hard!

**Tony Stark**

I’m not old.

Not arguing that Rhodey is, but I’m not.

**Rhodester**

The fuck? If I’m old, so are you.

**Tony Stark**

Nuh uh, you’re three years older than me.

**Rhodester**

At this point in life three years doesn’t make any difference and you know it.

**Tony Stark**

Not with that attitude, it doesn’t.

**The Kid**

omg lmao mr stark

**Tony Stark**

I’m just saying.

**The Kid**

iconic

but in all seriousness we need a group chat name. pleaaaaaase its important

ned, mj and i are the “golden trio” (harry potter reference) but their contact names are Ned Solo and Princess MJ bc we couldnt pick between star wars and harry potter

**Tony Stark**

That is so unbelievably nerdy.

Actually, that sounds like something we would have done if group chat existed in the 80’s.

**Rhodester**

You would’ve demanded to have been Han Solo.

**Tony Stark**

Are you expecting me to deny this?

**Rhodester**

No, just making sure the kid knew.

**Tony Stark**

Well, you’re absolutely right, and the kid SHOULD know it.

**The Kid**

:) i know it!

**Rhodester**

Oh my god, you’re just so pure and adorable.

**The Kid**

thank you?

**Tony Stark**

You need a minute, honey bear?

**Rhodester**

No, I’m good. I just felt my mother rising in me for a moment. Roberta Rhodes left her mark.

**Tony Stark**

Ah, yes, I thought that seemed suspiciously Mama Rhodes-like.

**The Kid**

is it weird im imagining this little old lady who likes to crochet?

**Tony Stark**

No.

That’s her.

Put a wooden spoon in her other hand and imagine her scolding you for being too skinny and telling you to eat more.

**The Kid**

awwwww <3 so cute!!! i wish i had grandparents

**Rhodester**

Oh my god.

**The Kid**

i mean, i have grandparents, obviously

but theyre all dead

so

ha

**Rhodester**

oh my god

**Tony Stark**

Roberta would be happy to adopt you.

She’s wanted a grandkid for decades, she doesn’t care how she gets one.

**The Kid**

does that mean im your son then mr stark?

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:29am _

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Fuck

Help

**Rhodester**

What am I supposed to do?

**Tony Stark**

What the fuck do I say?

Do I say “YES”?

Or do I laugh because it’s a funny joke?

**Rhodester**

Saying no isn’t an option?

**Tony Stark**

What?

**Rhodester**

You didn’t offer it as an option. That’s cute, Tones.

**Tony Stark**

Well

Yeah.

**Rhodester**

In all seriousness I think he said it jokingly.

I highly doubt that he meant it in a way that he was seriously asking.

**Tony Stark**

Ok.

Fuck, but it’s been too long now, if I react to it as a joke he’s going to know something’s up.

Fuck.

Shit.

**Rhodester**

So? Clearly the kid won’t hold it against you.

**Tony Stark**

Ok, but why did he ask if he’s MY son, not yours?

It’s your mother, obviously.

**Rhodester**

Leap of assumption.

Also, he doesn’t KNOW me. He knows you.

**Tony Stark**

Ok.

Alright.

This is fine.

I’m calm.

**Rhodester**

You got this.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:34pm _

The Kid, Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Ha.

That’s cute, kid.

**The Kid**

i thought so :p

**Tony Stark**

In this theoretical scenario, I guess that would make the most sense, since I’m the “adopted” one.

**The Kid**

what do u mean?

like, the adopted kid adopts another kid?

**Tony Stark**

Or something.

**The Kid**

does that mean id be peter stark 

bc thats awesome, even tho my initials would be kinda weird then

pbs instead of pbp

**Tony Stark**

Yep.

Very weird.

**Rhodester**

Wow, okay.

Kid, you said something about group chat names?

**The Kid**

oh yeah!!! do you guys have any ideas??

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:37am _

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

PETER

STARK

**Rhodester**

I’m actually begging you to get a hold of yourself right now.

You’re embarrassing me in front of the kid.

**Tony Stark**

Oh, gee, I’m embarrassing you?

Gosh, I’m sorry.

How the hell do you think I feel???

**Rhodester**

Point taken.

…

Peter Stark.

**Tony Stark**

:(

Fuck you

**Rhodester**

Why sad face? I thought you liked it.

**Tony Stark**

I do.

I like it a lot.

**Rhodester**

Give it a few months.

Talk to his aunt.

**Tony Stark**

You really think I should?

**Rhodester**

I can’t say yes or no, neither’s the right answer. Not yet. Hence: wait a few months. See how you feel then, and then decide.

**Tony Stark**

Right.

**Rhodester**

Okay. Now go give him ideas.

Your kid is waiting.

**Tony Stark**

My kid.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:39am _

My Kid, Rhodester

**My Kid**

i swear if u guys r just ignoring me and not thinking up group name ideas imma be kinda upset

for real this time

>:(

**Tony Stark**

Kirk to Enterprise.

**My Kid**

who would be captain kirk

**Tony Stark**

Does it matter?

**My Kid**

a little

**Tony Stark**

Rhodey.

Colonel Kirk.

**My Kid**

fhjdks yes

can i be scotty?

**Tony Stark**

Sure.

Guess that makes me Spock.

**My Kid**

yessss

**Rhodester**

Live long and prosper.

**My Kid** changed the groupchat name to  **Kirk to Enterprise**

**My Kid**

shes official

welcome to the enterprise, i will be ur engineer

**Tony Stark**

Wait, is that a good idea?

I’m the mechanic, after all.

**My Kid**

yeah i just thought about that

ig spock makes more sense for me

i even have pointy ears from a con i went to last year!

this person was selling rly realistic ear tips at one of the booths

**Tony Stark**

Of course that’s a thing you own.

**My Kid**

im a nerd and im proud

**Tony Stark**

Good.

**My Kid**

found them!

[ _ image: a selfie of Peter. He’s standing in front of a full-length mirror, making a goofy face as he showed off the ear tips. They’re surprisingly realistic. _ ]

**Tony Stark**

Very nice, kid.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:49am _

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Rhodeyyyyy

**Rhodester**

What is it this time?

**Tony Stark**

_ [image: screenshot of Peter’s selfie as Tony’s phone background] _

It’s my home screen now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aatticsaltt.tumblr.com/). I mean, if you want.


	4. tony stark vs. gen z

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Peter Parker**  
>  did u kno ppl write fanfiction for/about u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning: there is some MILD (super mild) sexual content in this chapter, and probably will only ever be in this chapter. dont know what happened, just be aware heading into this
> 
> enjoy!

**Thursday,** _ 11:50am _

Kirk to Enterprise

**Rhodester**

Well, as delightful as this has been, it is the middle of the day and I have stuff to be working on. Not to mention someone is in high school, and another has a multi-billion dollar corporation to own.

Won’t name names.

**My Kid**

but its lunch time!!

**Rhodester**

Was it lunch time this whole hour plus you’ve been texting?

**My Kid**

well… no

**Rhodester**

Pay attention in class, kid. See you later, Tones.

**Tony Stark**

Later, platypus.

**My Kid**

bye colonel rhodes!!!

**Rhodester**

You can call me Rhodey.

**My Kid**

ok rhodey :)

**Tony Stark**

Oh, so when he tells you to call him Rhodey, you listen, but when I say you can call me Tony, you say my first name is Mister?

**My Kid**

uh

yeah

**Tony Stark**

I smell favoritism.

**My Kid**

what does it smell like?

**Tony Stark**

Bitter.

**My Kid**

ur still my favorite mr stark

**Tony Stark**

Oh.

Well, in that case

It smells like chocolate cake.

**My Kid**

do u like chocolate cake?

**Tony Stark**

It’s my favorite.

**My Kid**

:D

my first intern day next week i will bring chocolate cake then

may wont make it i promise

**Tony Stark**

Oh, good.

Bless her, she tries, but her baking is very questionable.

**My Kid**

ur telling me

uve had it maybe twice

i live with it

day after day

**Tony Stark**

You poor soul.

**My Kid**

ikr

oh myb we should switch chats tho

so we arent bothering rhodey

**Tony Stark**

I live to bother Rhodey.

But you’re probably right.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 11:56am _

My Kid

**My Kid**

i rly wish i could just graduate already

im SO beyond high school

**Tony Stark**

That boring, huh?

**My Kid**

its not rly even that

most of the time i can deal with the boredom

its just… everything else

**Tony Stark**

Like what?

**My Kid**

people

**Tony Stark**

Ah, yes.

The bane of my existence.

**My Kid**

pfft

u seem like a people person

**Tony Stark**

That’s what I want everyone to think.

**My Kid**

whats the truth?

**Tony Stark**

I’d rather be in my lab.

Or at home.

Alone.

Or with maybe two, three other people, at the most.

**My Kid**

makes sense

i love people, i love new yorkers but sometimes it just gets

overwhelming

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, for sure.

Hey, isn’t class starting?

**My Kid**

yeah maybe i guess

**Tony Stark**

Should you maybe be putting your phone away, then?

**My Kid**

oh um. i mean. im not in class?

i went. set down my bag.

now im in the bathroom.

**Tony Stark**

Bad lunch?

**My Kid**

no

**Tony Stark**

…

Overwhelming people?

**My Kid**

well. yeah. more like person

but basically

**Tony Stark**

Do you want to talk about it?

**My Kid**

…

kinda, yeah

is that okay?

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, of course.

Go ahead.

I’ve got time.

**My Kid**

its just flash

hes… apparently he found out bc his dads on the school board (rumors travel fast in higher ed ig) that i put papers thru for an internship under u

and hes rly been on my case about it lately

he saw the group chat today, too and just

wont leave me alone

**Tony Stark**

I’m really sorry, kid.

I had no idea it was going to have that kind of effect on you.

**My Kid**

its not your fault

flash is just an asshole sometimes

i hadnt even told anyone he just jumped on the rumor (true or not) and has been harassing me ever since

hes the reason no one believed me the first time around

**Tony Stark**

I’ve never met this kid and I can’t stand him.

The fuck?

**My Kid**

not a big deal 

hes not, i mean

some days are just worse than others

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, I remember what that was like.

I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

**My Kid**

its fine

**Tony Stark**

Not if it’s hurting you.

**My Kid**

im spider-man

how is a school bully supposed to bother me?

**Tony Stark**

Personal problems hit harder than bad guys, sometimes.

Trust me.

You’re allowed to admit that you’re bothered by this kid.

You don’t have to put up a front just because you’re Spider-Man after school ends.

**My Kid**

…

that was rly deep mr stark

i

yeah

im sorry

im sorta crying

the letters on my phone are all blurry

**Tony Stark**

I’d give you that hug now, if I could.

**My Kid**

i bet itd be better than a thor hug

**Tony Stark**

That’s debatable, but hopefully it would help.

**My Kid**

it would

im gonna call aunt may

see if she can come get me out of school

she has today off

and i just rly wanna go home rn

**Tony Stark**

I think that sounds like a good idea.

Feel better, kid.

**My Kid**

thanks mr stark

talk to u later?

**Tony Stark**

Whenever you want. :)

**My Kid**

:)

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 1:34pm _

The Fiancée

**Tony Stark**

High school kids are the worst.

**The Fiancée**

Well then thank goodness you’re no longer in high school.

**Tony Stark**

I’m not, but Peter is.

**The Fiancée**

Did something happen?

**Tony Stark**

He’s getting bullied because of the internship.

Some little asshole doesn’t believe him, so he’s dedicated his life to making Peter’s hell.

**The Fiancée**

Jesus Christ.

Don’t kids have better things to do than concerning themselves with that sort of thing?

**Tony Stark**

You would think.

But apparently not.

**The Fiancée**

Is Peter okay?

**Tony Stark**

He’s crying in a bathroom, I’d say probably not.

He said he was going to call his aunt and see if she can pick him up early.

**The Fiancée**

Poor thing… 

I’d say we should make a statement but I’m not sure how effective it would be if the internship is the cause of the bullying.

**Tony Stark**

I don’t want to make things worse for him.

I want to figure out a way to help, but I’m not sure what I could do.

**The Fiancée**

Do you know anything more about the situation besides that its over the internship?

**Tony Stark**

I don’t know.

Peter’s only ever mentioned the internship issues, but he’s talked about this kid before, and apparently he belongs to the Thompsons, which explains his charming personality.

**The Fiancée**

Ugh, lovely.

They’re almost as bad as Hammer.

**Tony Stark**

And Mr. Thompson is on the school board, apparently, which explains how the kid even knows about Peter’s internship in the first place, because Peter hasn’t said anything about it and we haven’t made a statement.

**The Fiancée**

Are you wanting to make a statement?

I feel like it would draw unnecessary attention to Peter.

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, no, I don’t want that.

He doesn’t want that, either, I can tell.

**The Fiancée**

Right. Not to mention the numerous people who’d hit him to hit you.

**Tony Stark**

Oh, god. Yeah.

No statements.

Ever.

**The Fiancée**

Noted.

Instead, how do you feel about being on the school board?

**Tony Stark**

What?

**The Fiancée**

Mr. Thompson’s position is dependent on his funds. Should SI discontinue partnership with them, the companies funding would drop dramatically (and would open up a new sector for expansion with income rather than outsourcing our work, which would please the Board of Directors), and poor Mr. Thompson would lose his spot on the school board. It wouldn’t ruin them, but the position would open up and you could conveniently take his place.

**Tony Stark**

You are an amazing, brilliant woman and I fucking love you.

**The Fiancée**

I love you, too.

So what do you say to shaking up the high school education system?

**Tony Stark**

Hell yes.

**The Fiancée**

Consider it done.

That ought to take the kid down off his high horse and get him to lay off Peter for a while.

**Tony Stark**

It had better.

**The Fiancée**

If not, then you could always make a personal visit at Midtown.

I know you love your dramatic entrances.

**Tony Stark**

That is true, I do love those.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 5:57pm _

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

hey mr stark!!

sorry its so late i didnt expect to be gone for so long

may did pick me up early

we have been watching avatar the last airbender since and eating our weight in popcorn

its been nice :)

**Mr. Stark**

Good, I’m glad. :)

Glad you’re feeling better.

**Peter Parker**

definitely

i just needed some time away from the situation

**Mr. Stark**

Completely understandable.

**Peter Parker**

i have a question tho

**Mr. Stark**

Shoot.

**Peter Parker**

did u kno ppl write fanfiction for/about u

**Mr. Stark**

I don’t even know what that is.

**Peter Parker**

oof lmao

dont worry about it

nothing to concern urself with

**Mr. Stark**

Well, see, now, that makes me think that it is something to concern myself with.

Because I am suddenly very concerned.

**Peter Parker**

its not CONCERNING

well some of it is yeah

but its just a thing people do

and if u didnt know before u dont want to kno now

**Mr. Stark**

That’s definitely not how my brain works.

I have to know, now.

**Peter Parker**

oh geez

next time i just wont ask

**Mr. Stark**

Probably a wise decision.

Oh, dear lord.

**Peter Parker**

did u look it up

**Mr. Stark**

Yes, I did.

**Peter Parker**

what do u think

**Mr. Stark**

The fuck

Everyone who’s written fanfiction where me and Rogers are a couple need to be banned from writing ever again.

**Peter Parker**

pfft

omg my stomach hurts from laughing so hard so suddenly

what about iron husbands? what do u think about that

**Mr. Stark**

Hang on a minute, I just found a weird word, I’m looking it up.

**Peter Parker**

oh no

whats the word

**Mr. Stark**

Mpreg

Oh god

Oh no

No

No

No

**Peter Parker**

OH NO

MR STARK NO

**Mr. Stark**

Even if Steve ever comes to his senses and comes out of hiding I’m never going to be able to look him in the face again.

**Peter Parker**

o m g i cant breathe

this is priceless

**Mr. Stark**

Ugh

I need a shower

That was disgusting.

What were you saying?

Iron husbands?

What’s that?

**Peter Parker**

yeah

look it up!

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, that’s not bad.

**Peter Parker**

its u and rhodey :)

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah.

That’s alright.

That’s cute.

I can admit to having a crush on Rhodey in college, that’s fine.

I was fifteen, it lasted for like a week, obviously we’re well past that.

But that’s not horrifying.

**Peter Parker**

awwwwwwwww

mr stark thats so cute

totally wouldve shipped it if u guys had gotten together

but then the world wouldve missed out on pepperony and honestly thats a tragedy

**Mr. Stark**

Pepperony, huh?

I don’t think I need to ask what that one is.

**Peter Parker**

id hope not

**Mr. Stark**

God, about 95% of these are R-rated, though.

You haven’t read any of them, have you?

**Peter Parker**

of the pepperony ones?

**Mr. Stark**

Any of them.

**Peter Parker**

oh, ha, no

i dont read fanfiction

mj does

thats how ned and i know about it tbh

well

i read a few last year but it was for the star wars fandom

i dont do the whole real life people thing

**Mr. Stark**

Good.

You’re too young for this shit.

I’m too young for this shit.

Or maybe I’m too old for this shit.

One of the two.

**Peter Parker**

lol i felt that

theres actually spidey fanfic too!

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, lord.

Is it anything like this?

**Peter Parker**

theyre all like

super r-rated

if there was a rating about r

thats what theyd be

**Mr. Stark**

NO

Oh my god

No

These people need to stop.

**Peter Parker**

its actually kinda funny

i did read one of those admittedly bc like

morbid curiosity

it was about me so

**Mr. Stark**

Ugh.

I don’t even want to think about that.

**Peter Parker**

well regardless its on the internet

people wrote about me

doing nasty things

bc my suit is hot or smthn

**Mr. Stark**

Your next suit is going to make you look like a marshmallow.

Holy shit

**Peter Parker**

it rly bothers u that much?

the fanfics?

**Mr. Stark**

What?

Oh, I got distracted, I found

Something else.

**Peter Parker**

do tell!

**Mr. Stark**

Ha

Haha

Not a chance, kid.

**Peter Parker**

oo mr stark

nasty

how dare u engage sexual activities

**Mr. Stark**

What?

No

Nooo

**Peter Parker**

its totally unnatural wow

**Mr. Stark**

I’m not talking about this with you, you’re like ten.

**Peter Parker**

im almost of legal age!

not that i want to talk about it with you but still

rude

**Mr. Stark**

Then stop talking about it.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 6:27pm _

Tony

**Tony**

_ [link to fanfiction] _

I found something I want to try…

**Pepper Potts**

Care to elaborate so I don’t have to scroll through whatever that might be?

**Tony**

No, you have to read it.

**Pepper Potts**

Why?

**Tony**

You’ll see.

**Pepper Potts**

Okay...

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 6:29pm _

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

ur reactions are funny

**Mr. Stark**

Har har.

**Peter Parker**

ngl im surprised u didnt freak out more about the spidey fics

**Mr. Stark**

You did see the marshmallow suit threat, yes?

I was dead serious about that.

**Peter Parker**

what!! no

u cant

that would suck to fight in

my whole fighting style is based off me being flexible

**Mr. Stark**

You can still be flexible if you’re dressed like a balloon.

**Peter Parker**

no i rly cant

**Mr. Stark**

I will figure something out.

**Peter Parker**

at the very least theyre assuming im older than i am

so its good!!

in a weird, backwards way

pls dont make me dress like a marshmallow, id rather my suit as is

**Mr. Stark**

You’re no fun.

**Peter Parker**

im actually a lot of fun thank u

i just dont wanna be a balloon spider

**Mr. Stark**

Not even for my peace of mind?

**Peter Parker**

how is fanfiction upsetting ur peace of mind

u didnt even know about it until like 20 minutes ago

**Mr. Stark**

The fact that explicit fanfiction about my fifteen year old intern exists is extremely upsetting.

**Peter Parker**

ur not concerned about the 100x more explicit fics about u and cap?

theres only like, 100 for me

**Mr. Stark**

I am not happy about the ones about me and Cap.

But considering the fact that we’re both legal adults and have been for many years makes it less upsetting.

You, on the other hand, are a minor.

Whether those writers know it or not.

**Peter Parker**

i guesssss

its not like u can stop them tho

**Mr. Stark**

…

**Peter Parker**

idk how i feel about that ellipses

**Mr. Stark**

You really should be more careful what you say to me, anything and everything can give me ideas.

**Peter Parker**

i feel like i just shouldnt speak

**Mr. Stark**

I didn’t say that.

**Peter Parker**

i keep giving u ideas!

unintentionally!!

**Mr. Stark**

You say that like accidentally helping a genius come up with new ideas is the worst thing in the world.

**Peter Parker**

one of those ideas included putting me in a suit like baymax

**Mr. Stark**

Hey, Baymax is great at fighting.

**Peter Parker**

not my style of fighting!!!

**Mr. Stark**

Kicking and punching and jumping?

Not your style?

Really?

**Peter Parker**

>:(

i do more than that

**Mr. Stark**

My point is

Baymax is more flexible than you’re giving him credit for.

**Peter Parker**

im not getting in a marshmallow suit

**Mr. Stark**

Fine.

**Peter Parker**

>:P

i have a signature look now

i cant change that

**Mr. Stark**

I said fine!

I agreed!

What more do you want from me?

Jesus.

**Peter Parker**

just saying

so u dont get any more funky ideas

**Mr. Stark**

I make no promises.

**Peter Parker**

hmph

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 6:51pm _

Tony

**Pepper Potts**

Good god.

**Tony**

Uh huh.

Any other thoughts?

**Pepper Potts**

First… who thinks this stuff up?

**Tony**

Fans, apparently.

**Pepper Potts**

Secondly, I don’t personally want to, but I’d love to watch you.

**Tony**

Yeah?

**Pepper Potts**

I’d love to hold you and watch you fall apart while the suit does all the work.

**Tony**

Shit

Fuck me

**Pepper Potts**

That’s the plan.

**Tony**

You know I’m going to start working on making this happen ASAP.

**Pepper Potts**

I’d be more surprised if you didn’t.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 6:54pm _

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

hey so what are we gonna be doing for the internship day next week?

**Mr. Stark**

Let’s see…

Probably start with a tour, so you know where everything is in case I decide to send you on an errand.

Then it depends what’s on my schedule that day, but hopefully we’ll be able to spend some time working on your suit.

**Peter Parker**

oh man that sounds awesome

ive always wanted a tour of the avengers compound

tbh im kinda afraid to go on field trips so this will be even better

**Mr. Stark**

You have a field trip phobia?

That’s a new one.

**Peter Parker**

nothing ever good happens on field trips for me

**Mr. Stark**

What does that mean?

**Peter Parker**

when i was in grade school we went to the aquarium and i fell into the petting pool

at the zoo i got run over by a goat in the petting area

at the field trip to oscorp, i got bit by a spider and my heart stopped several times

**Mr. Stark**

Jesus

Well, fortunately for you, there are no petting areas or spiders at the Compound…

**Peter Parker**

thats good haha

im very afraid of spiders

and petting areas for that matter

**Mr. Stark**

You’re afraid of spiders?

Isn’t that kind of painfully ironic?

**Peter Parker**

yeah well u try getting bit by one

almost dying like seventeen times

undergoing extreme physical and genetic change

which is super painful btw

and then develop powers that have u accidentally ripping doors out of the wall

then we will talk about being afraid of spiders despite the irony

**Mr. Stark**

Point made.

Spiders bad.

You being the exception.

**Peter Parker**

:)

thanks

i dont bite people at least

that i know of

**Mr. Stark**

You might change your mind about that when you find the right person.

You can ignore that I said that.

**Peter Parker**

yeah im going to

**Mr. Stark**

Good.

**Peter Parker**

smh mr stark

**Mr. Stark**

I knew that was a bad idea and I did it anyway.

**Peter Parker**

somehow ur impulse control is worse than mine lol

**Mr. Stark**

I’d take offense to that but you’re not wrong.

**Peter Parker**

but uh yeah

theres probably not gonna be the “right person”

**Mr. Stark**

What makes you say that?

**Peter Parker**

cause im ace

like 

asexual

so

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, got it.

What’s the word people use now?

Valid?

That’s valid.

**Peter Parker**

oh my god

pls dont say that

**Mr. Stark**

Is that not the word?

I could have sworn that was the right one.

I asked FRIDAY.

**Peter Parker**

no thats the word its just

so freaking weird hearing/seeing u say it

especially preceded by “whats the word people use now?”

**Mr. Stark**

Forgive me for not being entirely up to date on today’s popular slang.

If I used one of my “old man words” you would have made fun of me.

Even more than you are right now.

**Peter Parker**

what would u have said otherwise?

**Mr. Stark**

I don’t fuckin know.

Groovy?

**Peter Parker**

OH NO

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah, see?

**Peter Parker**

I CANT

i cannot imagine you ever seriously saying groovy

was that rly a thing?

omg

**Mr. Stark**

I mean, it wasn’t really much of a “thing” when I was your age, but when I was about seven…

Yeah, it was a thing.

“Groovy mood ring, dude.”

That kind of “thing”.

I could also bust out the old California surfer lingo, but trust me, that’s much worse.

I’ll spare you.

**Peter Parker**

oh man thats fucking classic

i kinda wish groovy was still a thing

its such a fun word

grooooovy man

**Mr. Stark**

Ok, first you say “no”, and now you’re saying you wish it was still a thing.

Make up your mind, kid.

**Peter Parker**

i was more saying “no” to the possibility of u

mr tony stark

saying groovy in complete seriousness after i came out to you

**Mr. Stark**

So, that’s a “no” on trying to be cool, alright, noted for next time, from now on I will be as lame as possible.

**Peter Parker**

i dont think u could handle being lame

and it was cool that u were cool about it

and valid was the right term

but groovy is not the word for it. not anymore anyway, idk what it was back in the 70s

**Mr. Stark**

I don’t either, honestly, I was five.

**Peter Parker**

;-;

i cant imagine a tiny mr stark

i bet u were so cute

babies are always cute

**Mr. Stark**

I was adorable, thank you.

_ [image: digital scan of an old photograph of five year old Tony Stark building a sandcastle at the beach. He’s wearing swim trunks, a bucket hat, and his mother’s sunglasses] _

**Peter Parker**

oh

my

goodness

mr stark

awww

u were so tiny!

**Mr. Stark**

I like to think I was average-sized for a five year old…

_ [image: digital scan of a photograph from the same beach trip; it’s later in the day, Tony is fast asleep, being carried by his mother as she walks along the water] _

Oi

I did not send that

FRIDAY, you little shit

**Peter Parker**

IM SCREAMING ITS SO CUTE

OMGOMGOMG

awww my goodness

thank you FRIDAY

ur a lifesaver

**Mr. Stark**

FRIDAY says “you’re welcome”.

And you can fucking hear the smile in her voice.

**Peter Parker**

you coded her

**Mr. Stark**

I regret many things.

**Peter Parker**

you shouldnt regret her

this is the best day ever

**Mr. Stark**

I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.

**Peter Parker**

i am!

but in the effort of fairness…

_ [image: a three year old Peter in red swim trunks and a bright yellow swim shirt that said, ‘Hello Sunshine!’ He was standing in low water, giving the camera a huge, gummy smile. Behind him, kneeling with her hands on the baby’s sides to keep him steady, was Mary Parker.] _

**Mr. Stark**

Oh my god, that’s precious.

**Peter Parker**

:)

i was a pretty cute baby

**Mr. Stark**

You were.

Little sunshine baby, according to your shirt.

**Peter Parker**

thats what may and ben always said

i was always happy as a baby

**Mr. Stark**

I would hope so, something that cute should not legally be allowed to be sad.

**Peter Parker**

pfft

whatever u say mr stark

**Mr. Stark**

Don’t pretend you wouldn’t say the exact same thing about a puppy.

**Peter Parker**

i guess ur right

**Mr. Stark**

I’m 100% right.

**Peter Parker**

i always feel bad for puppies when people separate them from their moms and dads so early :((

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah, that’s sad.

Poor puppies.

**Peter Parker**

definitely :(

its hard

**Mr. Stark**

The puppies don’t know what’s happening, they don’t deserve it.

**Peter Parker**

i wonder if they wonder about where their parents are

when they’re separated

**Mr. Stark**

I don’t know, kid.

**Peter Parker**

:/

either way its just depressing

#adoptdontshop

**Mr. Stark**

I wasn’t planning to do either any time soon, but I’ll keep that in mind.

**Peter Parker**

ive always wanted to get a dog

but none of the apartments we’ve lived in allow animals

**Mr. Stark**

I would imagine you might benefit from having a dog around.

**Peter Parker**

really?

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah, aren’t animals supposed to be good for emotional health and shit?

**Peter Parker**

yes

thats what emotional support animals and service animals are for

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah.

Emotional support.

**Peter Parker**

????

what?

am i supposed to say smthn specific?

**Mr. Stark**

No.

I’m just saying, I can see why having a dog would be appealing to you.

**Peter Parker**

……

are you saying i need a dog

as an emotional support animal?

**Mr. Stark**

I said nothing.

**Peter Parker**

hmph

i cry one time in a bathroom and everyones a critic

**Mr. Stark**

Not a critic.

A

Concerned pal.

**Peter Parker**

concerned pal omg pfff

im fine, rly mr stark

if i needed a dog for anything it wouldnt be because of flash

**Mr. Stark**

Fair enough.

Just saying.

Dogs, good.

**Peter Parker**

apartment people say no

but yes,

dogs good

**Mr. Stark**

Apartment people know nothing.

**Peter Parker**

probably not but hey

they give me a home

so im not complaining

**Mr. Stark**

At least they’ve got that going for them.

**Peter Parker**

yeah lol

ive always wondered what it would be like to live in a house tho

u know?

my parents had a house but i dont remember it

**Mr. Stark**

I could try to give you some idea of what living in a house is like, but…

My parents’ house was three stories and had four separate living rooms for occasions with varying levels of fanciness so I don’t think that would be a very accurate comparison.

**Peter Parker**

holy crap

four separate living rooms????

whats the point?

that sounds so lonely :(

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah.

There was the “formal” living room for big fancy parties

The “family” living room that nobody ever used except on Christmas or if my mom or I wanted to play the piano

My living room/playroom because that one was always a mess because I was a walking disaster zone and it could never be shown to respectable company

And the staff living room.

**Peter Parker**

you can play the piano?

**Mr. Stark**

Sure.

I’m a little rusty, but yeah.

I love that that’s all you got from all of that.

**Peter Parker**

thats so cool!

you should teach me :D

ive always wanted to learn how to play an instrument

**Mr. Stark**

You want me to teach you?

**Peter Parker**

yeah!

itd be cool :)

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 7:32pm _

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Rhodey

Platypus

He’s doing the thing again.

**Rhodester**

For fucks sake, Tony.

How many times are we going to go through this today?

**Tony Stark**

That depends how many more times Peter does something cute.

**Rhodester**

You seem to think everything he does is cute.

**Tony Stark**

_ [image: the picture of three year old Peter at the beach] _

I’m not exactly wrong, am I?

**Rhodester**

Oh my god, that’s a cute kid.

**Tony Stark**

You see my dilemma.

**Rhodester**

A little bit, yes.

But he’s also not a toddler anymore.

**Tony Stark**

I know. :(

I missed it.

**Rhodester**

Aw, Tones.

**Tony Stark**

I’m fine, it’s fine.

I have a picture.

**Rhodester**

And you could always ask him for more.

**Tony Stark**

I could.

Would that seem weird?

Maybe I could ask his aunt.

That might be weirder.

She doesn’t like me.

He wants me to teach him how to play the piano.

**Rhodester**

Oh, so that’s why you’re texting me freaking out again.

How does it feel?

**Tony Stark**

I don’t know.

He seems really excited about learning.

I don’t think I want to say no just because it makes me think of my mom, you know?

If I sit down to teach him and have some kind of breakdown, I’ll just tell him why.

We’ve been doing the honesty thing, he deserves that.

**Rhodester**

Yeah, I understand.

Even if you do breakdown, it’ll be good for you. Maybe even both of you.

Give you both a chance to talk through some things.

He lost his mom young, too.

He’d probably understand more than you’d think.

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, he probably would.

**Rhodester**

You feeling a little less weepy over the kid now?

**Tony Stark**

:p

Yes.

**Rhodester**

Good.

Now if there isn’t anything else, I’m going to go back to watching my show.

**Tony Stark**

Actually, now that you mention it…

**Rhodester**

Oh god.

**Tony Stark**

Do you, by any chance, know what a “ship” is?

Because I found out something very interesting today, courtesy of the kid.

**Rhodester**

Unless you’re talking about a boat, which I doubt you are, then no, I don’t.

Please enlighten me.

**Tony Stark**

I’m guessing you’ve never heard of fanfiction, either.

Brace yourself, my friend.

**Rhodester**

Why is this my life?

**Tony Stark**

Because you picked me to be your best friend thirty years ago and it’s too late to change your mind.

So, according to the wonderfully weird world that is the internet…

“Ship” is short for “relationship”

And some of our fans like to imagine that we’re in one.

And they write very graphic stories about it.

**Rhodester**

…

I’m too old for this nonsense.

**Tony Stark**

I’ve seen things today, platypus.

Things that cannot be unseen.

**Rhodester**

I don’t really want to know.

But honestly, I guess it wouldn’t be too far off the mark if we were in a relationship.

Not that I’m necessarily condoning them writing… graphic stories about it.

**Tony Stark**

You really don’t want to know.

It gets freaky, even for me.

But it is very telling as to how long we’ve known each other than neither of us was surprised to find out that people think we’d make a cute couple.

**Rhodester**

Well, we would.

**Tony Stark**

Damn right we would.

**Rhodester**

But don’t you have a kid to be talking to right now?

**Tony Stark**

Shit.

Yes, I do.

Bye.

**Rhodester**

Bye, Tones.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 7:57pm _

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

you sure do this whole poofing thing a lot dont u

**Mr. Stark**

Sorry, kid, I got a little preoccupied destroying what little was left of Rhodey’s innocence.

I told him about the fanfiction thing.

**Peter Parker**

omg blessss

thats worth the wait

how did he feel about it?

**Mr. Stark**

I’m a little disappointed, to be honest.

He wasn’t as horrified as I expected.

He reacted more similarly to the way he does when I used to drunk-purchase cars.

That sort of “tired of this shit” reaction.

**Peter Parker**

aww man :(

your reaction was hilarious

i was hoping for something like that

**Mr. Stark**

To be fair to him, I don’t think he actually looked anything up or read anything.

**Peter Parker**

probably for the best tbh

i dont think rhodey would like any of it more than you

tbh i kinda wanna know what hed think about the cap/u fics

**Mr. Stark**

Should I bring those to his attention and tell you what he says?

Because…

That might actually end up being entertaining.

He has some strong feelings about Cap, right now.

**Peter Parker**

maybe one day

i feel like him finding out about fanfiction and then the cap ones

might be a little much

**Mr. Stark**

Possibly.

Another time, then.

**Peter Parker**

one day

and i expect screenshots when it does happen

i need to know what he says

**Mr. Stark**

I will be sure to give you all the details.

I may even tell him in person and film it.

**Peter Parker**

omg even better!!!!

at that point u could just let me be there

to witness the chaos unfold

**Mr. Stark**

Another possibility.

**Peter Parker**

:D

yessssss

plus it was nice meeting him on text and all

but like

i havent said hi in person!!!

i wanted to at the airport and during the stark expo but u guys were kinda busy obvs

**Mr. Stark**

Yeah, the Stark Expo might not have been the best time for a meet and greet.

Although it’s not like you didn’t talk to him at all at the airport, it was just all battle talk.

Very minimal.

**Peter Parker**

yeah it was kinda lame

not that fighting with you guys was lame!

just that, you know, i didnt REALLY get to talk to him

and he seems super cool

**Mr. Stark**

He’s not, don’t let him fool you.

Wait.

You went to the Stark Expo?

**Peter Parker**

yeah!

i won backstage passes

**Mr. Stark**

That must have been a memorable experience.

**Peter Parker**

it was

you patted me on the head

it was pretty awesome

**Mr. Stark**

I did?

That’s cute.

**Peter Parker**

totally! i wanted u to sign my helmet but u were moving rly fast

so i didnt get to ask

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, I’m sorry, kid.

That was probably Happy’s fault.

He was very shovey.

I could sign it now, if you still have it.

**Peter Parker**

oh, ha, no its okay

i threw it away last year

or may did

bc it was too small and it was just collecting dust

**Mr. Stark**

Ah, yeah.

Kind of hard to sign something that no longer exists.

**Peter Parker**

just a little bit lol

but its okay

i saw u twice during the expo

so it made up for it

especially bc u spoke the second time & was in ur suit

**Mr. Stark**

I was in my suit?

So… you were there on the night of the drone attack?

**Peter Parker**

yeah

it was wild

**Mr. Stark**

Yikes.

Yeah.

Pretty wild.

**Peter Parker**

i also almost died lmao

not just bc of the drones

but bc i was a bullheaded kid

**Mr. Stark**

What does that mean?

What did you do?

**Peter Parker**

i sortve tried to blast one of the drones

with my plastic gauntlet

**Mr. Stark**

Peter

Oh my god.

**Peter Parker**

well it was following me!

idk why it was, but i remembered my uncle saying i should face my problems head on

so i stopped and faced the drone

**Mr. Stark**

…

Were you, by chance, wearing the helmet, too?

**Peter Parker**

yeah

**Mr. Stark**

The drones were targeting anything that looked like Iron Man.

You little 

Ugh.

Oh my god.

You give me gray hair, kid.

**Peter Parker**

how was i supposed to know that???

how am i giving you grey hair NOW it was six years ago

i was eight

**Mr. Stark**

I wouldn’t have expected you to know that.

But still.

Running would have been a better option.

**Peter Parker**

i repeat: i was eight

besides u swooped in, blasted the drone and took back off

then i ran. or more like may found me and forced me to run

**Mr. Stark**

Your aunt is the only Parker I’ve ever met with common sense.

**Peter Parker**

rude!!

**Mr. Stark**

Am I wrong, though?

**Peter Parker**

ben had plenty of common sense

i dont think he was thinking about murder drones when he told me that

**Mr. Stark**

Fair point.

**Peter Parker**

but srsly like

its okay

i am now capable of protecting myself

in such events

**Mr. Stark**

Yes… but you also tend to save everyone EXCEPT yourself, in such events, now that you are capable of doing so.

Someone needs to babysit you while you’re off saving everyone else, that’s all I’m saying.

**Peter Parker**

isnt that sort of your job now?

**Mr. Stark**

Yes.

Hence the gray hair.

**Peter Parker**

its ok

according to the internet silver hair makes older guys a total DILF

**Mr. Stark**

The word “internet” was used in that sentence, so I’m afraid to ask.

**Peter Parker**

do you not know what a dilf is?

i didnt want to find out personally

i only overheard it from some girls

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, what the shit

**Peter Parker**

why do you keep doing this to yourself

**Mr. Stark**

I don’t know.

Why is it specifically a “dad” thing, though?

What about the ones that aren’t dads?

Why are they still called that?

How does that make sense?

The internet doesn’t make sense.

**Peter Parker**

well otherwise it would be “MILF” for man

but milf is already taken

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, god, moms get subjected to this too?

**Peter Parker**

not as much but yeah

**Mr. Stark**

I

Am tired

The internet makes me tired.

**Peter Parker**

the internet makes everyone tired lol

but you could just?? not look up everything i say that you’re unfamiliar with

**Mr. Stark**

But then I wouldn’t understand you.

I like knowing what you’re saying so I can respond appropriately.

**Peter Parker**

even if it means you know what dilf means and that people on the internet write erotica about you?

**Mr. Stark**

Even if that’s what it means.

Honestly, I’m not that surprised about the erotica, just amazed that people get so… into it.

**Peter Parker**

awww

mr stark

you must really like me then

(and yeah people are wild. just be glad u didnt read the ones about me)

**Mr. Stark**

I like you a normal amount.

(I’m starting a petition to get the ones about you taken down, see if I don’t.)

**Peter Parker**

<3 <3 i like you a lot too

(and ur being excessive)

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 8:24pm _

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

RHODEY

**Rhodester**

No.

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 8:24pm _

Mr. Stark

**Mr. Stark**

I am being excessive.

You just summed up my entire personality in one text.

Good job, kid.

**Peter Parker**

i do my best

**Mr. Stark**

I know you do.

**Peter Parker**

oh but im probably gonna head out now mr stark

its been… a rly long day lol

and mental breakdowns are exhausting smh

**Mr. Stark**

Alright, brace yourself, I’m going to use another one of “your” words.

Mood.

Sleep good, kid.

**Peter Parker**

thanks! you too, when u go to bed <3

im gonna heat up some milk

usually helps me get to sleep faster

talk to you tomorrow?

**Mr. Stark**

Sure thing, kid.

Good night. :)

* * *

**Thursday,** _ 8:26pm _

The Fiancée

**Tony Stark**

Pepper :(

**The Fiancée**

You do realize I’m a room away, right?

You don’t have to text me.

**Tony Stark**

The kid drinks warm milk to help himself sleep.

**The Fiancée**

…

That is adorable.

**Tony Stark**

YES IT IS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aatticsaltt.tumblr.com/). I mean, if you want.


	5. hollywood can't afford tony stark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Tony Stark**  
>  my capital letters went bye-bye how do you think i feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place roughly 3-4 weeks after chapter 4.
> 
> also again mild sexual content.... oops
> 
> enjoy!

**Sunday,** _2:53pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

so. ive been doing some thinking

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, that’s dangerous.

What about?

**Peter Parker**

rude

and ive been thinking about you being sherlock holmes

**Mr. Stark**

I had almost forgotten about that, honestly.

Why were you thinking about it?

**Peter Parker**

well now ive officially met mr rhodey

online and in person

and i dont think hed be a good watson

**Mr. Stark**

Oh, no?

Why not?

**Peter Parker**

ur dymanic just doesnt vibe

u kno?

like not as a sherlock-watson vibe

**Mr. Stark**

Not sure if I should be offended by the idea that Rhodey and I don’t “vibe”

Considering we’ve been friends for thirty years.

Proceed with caution.

**Peter Parker**

oh no its not like that

i just meant

u kno

u dont vibe the same way sherlock and watson do

mr rhodey is

idk how to say this in a way that doesnt make u wanna hurt me

mr rhodey is just too much of a hardass

to be watson

**Mr. Stark**

Oh my god

**Peter Parker**

should i run

**Mr. Stark**

Absolutely not, you’re right and you should say it.

* * *

**Sunday,** _2:56pm_

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

My kid called you a hardass.

:)

**Rhodester**

What

**Tony Stark**

Specifically he said you’re too much of a hardass to be the Watson to my Sherlock.

Thoughts?

**Rhodester**

I cannot believe Peter Benjamin Parker said hardass.

**Tony Stark**

Believe it.

_[screenshot of Peter’s text]_

**Rhodester**

Your little angel child called me a hardass.

**Tony Stark**

I’m so proud.

**Rhodester**

You’re corrupting him.

**Tony Stark**

In my defense, he’s corrupting me, too.

I wouldn’t know half the things about internet culture that I do if it weren’t for him.

**Rhodester**

Unfortunately for that.

My eyes still burn from seeing all the Cap/Iron Man fanfics.

**Tony Stark**

I have to ask again, why won’t you let me put your reaction on YouTube?

It would go viral, I’m telling you.

It was hilarious.

**Rhodester**

Har har.

No.

We don’t need to clue in the innocent public that shit like that exists.

**Tony Stark**

Rhodey.

Platypus.

Honeybear.

The innocent public WRITES that shit.

The innocent public ain’t so innocent.

**Rhodester**

Yeah, yeah.

We don’t need to add to that number.

Having to know it myself is already bad enough.

**Tony Stark**

You were the one that insisted on reading one.

I tried to spare you.

**Rhodester**

I couldn’t believe the title. I had to see.

I regret many things.

**Tony Stark**

Next time, I suggest you believe the title.

**Rhodester**

Says the guy who read multiple fics.

**Tony Stark**

For science, sourpatch.

Always for science.

**Rhodester**

So all those R-Rated “Pepperony” fics you read were purely for science?

**Tony Stark**

They resulted in a lot of science, yes.

**Rhodester**

You nasties.

**Tony Stark**

You’re just jealous :p

**Rhodester**

Jealous? Of what?

**Tony Stark**

You can be honest, we’re friends here, when was the last time you actually got any action yourself?

College?

**Rhodester**

You asshole, no. 

**Tony Stark**

I’m kidding, I’ll give you a little more credit than that.

Seriously though.

When was the last time we talked about this?

It’s been a fuckin while.

**Rhodester**

It has. And, if you’re really insisting on knowing, last night.

I’m not as much of a prude as you always make me out to be.

**Tony Stark**

I know, I just have to tease you.

Last night, really?

Who’s the lucky lady?

Or lad. I don’t know.

**Rhodester**

It could go either way, but lady.

I’ve been seeing her for a little while now.

**Tony Stark**

Ooh la la.

Do I get to know who she is, or no?

Please say yes, my curiosity WILL kill me and you know it.

**Rhodester**

Yes, I know, you big fuckin’ cat.

And you actually already know her.

**Tony Stark**

Ooh, really?

Oh, god, it’s not that girl from accounting, is it?

I know she’s been making eyes at you, but you have to have standards, come on.

**Rhodester**

I have no idea what girl from accounting you’re talking about. 

It’s Helen Cho.

**Tony Stark**

Helen

Cho

Doctor

Helen Cho

Our Doctor Helen Cho?

**Rhodester**

The very one.

**Tony Stark**

Fuckin

Son of a

You fuckin

Excuse me, motherfucker

When did this happen???

**Rhodester**

A few months ago, actually.

Almost half a year.

We started talking after the shit went down with Steve.

**Tony Stark**

BITCH

THE FUCK

That fuckin long, and you didn’t think I might like to know??

I am gay and dramatic, platypus, you need to TELL ME these things.

**Rhodester**

You’re pansexual.

**Tony Stark**

That doesn’t sound as good.

**Rhodester**

Fair point.

But you’ve been pretty preoccupied with your newly found fatherhood.

My sex life didn’t seem all that important in comparison.

**Tony Stark**

Shut up, it’s you, it is.

**Rhodester**

We also were trying not to make a big deal out of it.

Your whole gimmick is making big deals out of shit.

**Tony Stark**

Gay and dramatic.

We’ve been over this.

Keeping it quiet has made it so much worse, believe me.

I am never going to drop this.

**Rhodester**

Good god.

If I give you details will you not throw a hissy fit.

**Tony Stark**

Maybe.

**Rhodester**

Okay then.

I really like her. She’s brilliant, and kind, and surprisingly feisty.

She also takes no shit, which I admire in anyone.

**Tony Stark**

That’s very sweet but I also already know all of this.

**Rhodester**

What, are you wanting details on sex life?

**Tony Stark**

You have met me, yes?

**Rhodester**

Fine, fine.

Impact, lingerie, breathplay, shibari and occasionally, sensory deprivation.

I know, not the craziest shit on your list, but we’re still getting comfortable with each other.

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, that’s adorable.

You’re happy though, right?

**Rhodester**

Yeah.

She… makes me really happy.

**Tony Stark**

Good.

‘Cause, you know, I’d rather not have to fire her.

She’s the only one who can synthesize Peter’s superkid meds.

**Rhodester**

You wouldn’t fire someone who can help Peter.

But I appreciate your attempt at being threatening.

**Tony Stark**

I’m fuckin Iron Man, terrorists tremble before me, I’m super threatening.

What do you mean, “attempt”?

**Rhodester**

I mean you have these big, sad doe eyes and you can’t possibly threaten anyone looking like a kicked puppy.

**Tony Stark**

That’s what you think.

**Rhodester**

That’s what I KNOW, honey.

**Tony Stark**

Rhodey

Platypus

I’m trying to be annoyed

I need you to not call me honey

It gives me heart palpitations and I don’t need to be questioning my life choices now that I’m fuckin engaged

**Rhodester**

What would you rather I say? My love? My little puppy?

**Tony Stark**

I think I’d rather leave you on “read” and go find myself a new Watson.

**Rhodester**

Wow. You platonically flirt with your best friend one time and suddenly everyone’s a critic.

**Tony Stark**

:p

**Rhodester**

God, I sound like Peter.

**Tony Stark**

You do, actually.

What has he done to you?

**Rhodester**

You’re the one who has him over all the time.

**Tony Stark**

Don’t act like this is my fault.

**Rhodester**

I’m just saying… moth to a flame.

Spider… to whatever spiders are attracted to.

**Tony Stark**

Dark, musty corners?

What does that say about me?

Never mind.

**Rhodester**

lol

**Tony Stark**

I’m going back to Peter, now, he’s afraid to make fun of me.

**Rhodester**

Are you so sure about that?

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:25pm_

Mr. Stark

**Peter Parker**

are u mad at me ;-;

im sorry mr starkkk

pls dont be mad

**Mr. Stark**

What?

No, of course I’m not mad at you.

I just switched messages to gloat about the fact that you called Rhodey a hardass, and, uh.

Things escalated.

**Peter Parker**

MR RHODEY KNOWS I CALLED HIM A HARDASS???!?!?!

WHY WOULD U DO THIS TO ME OMGGGG 

MR STARK WHAT THE HELL

**Mr. Stark**

He’s more shocked that you even knew the word than he is offended that you applied it to him.

Little angel child, I believe he called you.

**Peter Parker**

…

;-;

why is he so nice

**Mr. Stark**

Because he’s Rhodey.

His niceness is deadly.

**Peter Parker**

well they dont say ‘kill them with kindness’ for no reason

**Mr. Stark**

True.

But sometimes I swear to god he’s actually trying.

**Peter Parker**

i wish mr rhodey would kill me with kindness

lmao pls end me good sir

**Mr. Stark**

Mood.

**Peter Parker**

but honestly like end me

i cannot believe war machine knows i called him a hardass

this sucks

**Mr. Stark**

Does it suck as much or more than running across an empty field because your webshooters don’t have enough range to swing across it?

**Peter Parker**

fuck you

**Mr. Stark**

:)

Bold words, considering I control the protocols on your suit.

**Peter Parker**

bold words, considering i dont have to wear a suit to have superpowers

**Mr. Stark**

…

You went there.

Touché.

**Peter Parker**

im

so

sorry

i think ur amazing in and out of the suit

seriously

youre like the best superhero ever and youre so smart

im always amazed by you, tony stark, bc iron man is just a front

for an even more amazing person behind the mask

**Mr. Stark**

I was going to say something over-dramatic and guilt-tripping to mess with you and then tell you I was kidding immediately but fuck you that was too sincere I can’t mess with you now.

**Peter Parker**

awww

well i rly do mean it

i wasnt just saying it to get out of trouble

ive always thought it, ever since i was little and u first became iron man

**Mr. Stark**

Thanks, kid.

**Peter Parker**

<3 <3 <3

i love u and admire u a lot mr stark

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:31pm_

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

remember those heart palpitations i mentioned

**Rhodester**

Vaguely.

**Tony Stark**

yeah theyre back

unrelated to you this time dont get cocky

**Rhodester**

Why are they back?

What happened to your capital letters?

**Tony Stark**

peter

**Rhodester**

What did he do?

**Tony Stark**

_[screenshot of Peter’s most recent text]_

**Rhodester**

Oh my god, how adorable.

**Tony Stark**

yep

very

**Rhodester**

How does it make you feel?

**Tony Stark**

my capital letters went bye-bye how do you think i feel

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:31pm_

Ned Solo

**Peter Parker**

NED HELP

IM AN IDIOT

**Ned Solo**

and…?

**Peter Parker**

RUDE

BUT 

I MIGHT CRY 

AHFDSJAK

I JUST TOLD MR STARK I LOVE HIM

**Ned Solo**

awww

thats so cute

**Peter Parker**

NOT CUTE HE STOPPED RESPONDING

WHAT DO I DO

WHY DID I SAY THAT

IM SUCH AN IDIOT

and id just waxed poetic about how i think hes the best superhero ever

and how hes a genius

and i admire him so much

oh my god he hates me

**Ned Solo**

lmao the way u just phrased that makes it sound like u have a crush on him

im sure its not as bad as u think

u know u tend to overreact

**Peter Parker**

… platonic crush?

and i know i do but

i just said I LOVE YOU

i feel like i have the right to freak out

**Ned Solo**

it cant be worse than the time you said you were waiting for “dad” to pick you up from decathlon

and when we asked who u were talking about you flipped and screamed “I MEANT MR STARK” loud enough for the entire school to hear

**Peter Parker**

…

why do you always have to remind me of that

**Ned Solo**

perspective, young padawan

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:36pm_

Rhodester

**Rhodester**

Don’t be a little asshole about it. Tell Papa Rhodes how you feel.

**Tony Stark**

cool, ill just drive down to the cemetery in philly and do that then

**Rhodester**

Har har har.

Talk to me, Tones.

**Tony Stark**

i would think after our last several dozen conversations regarding peter you would know how i feel

i love the kid, too

but youre the one who told me to wait to say anything about it

**Rhodester**

Hold the fuck up.

I never said to wait to say you loved him.

I said to wait to talk to his aunt about fuckin’ adopting him or something, so you didn’t rush off and do something really impulsive.

I never said you couldn’t tell the kid how much you cared for him.

**Tony Stark**

me: gay and dramatic

how was i supposed to know those two things didn’t mean exactly the same

**Rhodester**

Context???? General logic???

Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?

**Tony Stark**

nothing this monumental has ever happened in my life without a big, dramatic gesture of some sort

even with you, i crashed your truck thirty minutes after meeting you

**Rhodester**

That's very true.

**Tony Stark**

yeah

so you can see how my brain convinced me that “declaration of parental love=adoption” and cannot be separated

**Rhodester**

I suppose. 

Now you know they’re different are you going to be able to deal with telling Peter you love him, too?

**Tony Stark**

the heart palpitations just got faster, i dont know if thats a yes or a no

i want to say it, i dont want to let him think i dont love him

**Rhodester**

Then you should say it.

**Tony Stark**

even if its quite literally the last thing i ever do?

**Rhodester**

Do you want to go knowing you never told Peter once how much you loved him?

**Tony Stark**

No.

**Rhodester**

Then there you go.

**Tony Stark**

There I go.

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:36pm_

Ned Solo

**Peter Parker**

this isnt like calling him dad where he cant even hear me

he has permanent record of me saying “i love you”

**Ned Solo**

yes

but

is that really such a bad thing?

from what youve told me he could probably stand to hear it more often

**Peter Parker**

i mean

true

but from people like miss potts and mr rhodey

not some random kid from queens

**Ned Solo**

i literally hate u sometimes

not literally

but

ur not “some random kid durr hurr”

he picked u

specifically

bc u impressed him

and he keeps talking to u bc he likes u

**Peter Parker**

i guess…

but then why hasnt he responded to my message

**Ned Solo**

emotional constipation?

ur both full of it, dude

**Peter Parker**

rude

**Ned Solo**

just give him a few more minutes, see what happens

its only been like five

**Peter Parker**

ok… ok.

thanks man

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:40pm_

My Kid

**Tony Stark**

I love you, too, kid.

**My Kid**

oh

really?

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, really.

**My Kid**

oh wow 

thats

crazy

**Tony Stark**

A little, yeah.

In a good way, though, right?

I think it’s good.

**My Kid**

yeah! yeah, definitely good!

i just… i typed it before i really thought it through

and then i was super worried u wouldnt 

you kno

love me back?

bc like ur tony stark, ur iron man, im

just a kid in spandex

**Tony Stark**

Not just “a” kid.

You know I have goofy names for everyone in my phone, I’ve showed you a few, right?

You know what yours is?

**My Kid**

underoos?

**Tony Stark**

My kid.

**My Kid**

oh

oh my god

r u serious?

**Tony Stark**

It was “The kid”, but after a while the “the” seemed a little too impersonal.

**My Kid**

;-;

thats the…

sweetest thing ever

oh my god

u actually have me crying

mr stark ;-;

**Tony Stark**

Oh, no, please don’t cry.

I have been far more emotional since we started talking regularly than I ever was in forty-five years of life previously.

I will start crying too.

**My Kid**

too late

there are lots of tears

**Tony Stark**

Damn it, Peter.

**My Kid**

im sorry its just ;-;

a few days ago, after decathlon,

u were coming to pick me up

i was talking w/mj and ned

and they asked who was coming since i was waiting

and i said “dads coming to pick me up”

**Tony Stark**

Dad?

**My Kid**

yea

i didnt realize i said it

when they asked i screamed “I MEANT MR STARK”

but… yeah

**Tony Stark**

…

“Dad” sounds better.

**My Kid**

it does?

**Tony Stark**

Although “Mr. Stark” has grown on me.

**My Kid**

pff

after all the complaining about me not calling you tony?

**Tony Stark**

Nah, you were right, it doesn’t sound right.

**My Kid**

im usually right, tony :)

**Tony Stark**

Don’t start, mister.

**My Kid**

eheheheheh

**Tony Stark**

I WILL change your name to Underoos if you start calling me Tony now.

**My Kid**

nooooo

im sorry

pls dont

i like my kid

its… nice

i havent been anyone’s kid besides may’s since ben died

**Tony Stark**

Well, you are now.

**My Kid**

so… u dont mind being “dad”?

**Tony Stark**

No, I don’t think I do.

Next time you say it on accident, don’t correct yourself.

See how it feels.

**My Kid**

ok… ill try

**Tony Stark**

Ok. :)

**My Kid**

buuuuuuuuut

what if

and hear me out on this one

what if

**Tony Stark**

What if…?

**My Kid**

what if i said it on purpose

**Tony Stark**

Well, that’s allowed, too, obviously.

**My Kid**

wow

cool :)

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:54pm_

Rhodester

**Tony Stark**

Update on those heart palpitations.

May be reaching hospital levels.

**Rhodester**

Do you need me to call Helen and have her check up on you?

**Tony Stark**

Peter wants to call me Dad.

**Rhodester**

Holy shit.

**Tony Stark**

I know.

I’m gonna let him, fuck, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

But it may very well kill me before being Iron Man does.

**Rhodester**

Tony Stark: Killed By Cuteness

**Tony Stark**

It’s gonna happen, platypus.

**Rhodester**

I’m gonna have Helen check up on you.

**Tony Stark**

At least I’ll die happy.

**Rhodester**

That’s about the nicest thing you’ve said about yourself in a while.

He really does make you happy, doesn’t he?

**Tony Stark**

Yeah.

He really does.

**Rhodester**

That’s cute.

How does it feel to be a dad?

**Tony Stark**

I can’t stop smiling.

I can’t remember the last time I smiled this much.

Fuck.

I really love this kid.

**Rhodester**

I’m screen-shotting this and sending it to Pepper.

**Tony Stark**

Oh, lord.

You’re capitalizing on my happiness.

How dare you.

**Rhodester**

:)

* * *

**Sunday,** _3:58pm_

Pepper

**James Rhodes**

[ _attachment: several images of Tony and Rhodey’s most recent conversation_ ]

**Pepper**

Oh my goodness.

Finally.

**James Rhodes**

Right?

**Pepper**

That’s so sweet.

You were serious about sending Helen to check on him, though, right?

**James Rhodes**

Oh, absolutely. She’s on her way there now.

**Pepper**

Good.

I can’t believe Peter’s calling him dad.

And he’s OK with it.

Happy about it.

Not scared out of his mind.

**James Rhodes**

Yeah, that’s what shocked me the most.

Especially after knowing him when Howard was still alive.

**Pepper**

I suppose it’s not that surprising anymore, though. Tony’s been incredibly focused on Peter, these last few weeks. It’s sweet.

**James Rhodes**

It is. I swear everytime he texts me now, it has something to do with Peter.

His phone background is even the kid, now.

**Pepper**

Yes, Peter with the false pointy ears, I’ve seen it.

**James Rhodes**

He had a meltdown that day about how cute the kid is.

This is good for him, I think.

He’s a hell of a lot more responsible when it comes to Peter than he’s ever been.

**Pepper**

I agree, it’s sort of a relief.

He’s in a better mood, too. He’s been so stressed, lately. Peter’s been almost like a therapy animal, for him.

**James Rhodes**

Weird analogy, but, yeah, I agree.

Has he given you the whole “Peter’s been getting shot at” rant?

**Pepper**

Oh, yes. Of course. He talked my ear off for an hour.

**James Rhodes**

Honestly… regardless of everything else, I’m just so relieved Tony’s got this kid.

They’re two sides of the same coin.

I just hope this time, Tony doesn’t get broken by this attachment.

* * *

**Sunday,** _4:05pm_

My Kid

**My Kid**

i just realized i never told u who i thought ur watson should be

**Tony Stark**

Ah, yes.

If Rhodey doesn’t make the cut, who does?

**My Kid**

jude law

**Tony Stark**

The actor?

**My Kid**

ye!

**Tony Stark**

Interesting.

Why him?

**My Kid**

i feel like hed match ur chaotic sherlock energy

**Tony Stark**

Hmm…

You may be on to something.

**My Kid**

i am!

just imagine it!!

i mean have u even seen him in wilde?

**Tony Stark**

Of course.

**My Kid**

i just feel like, u kno, he matches ur raging pansexual energy better

the crotch grab scene, i think, explains my entire reasoning for me

**Tony Stark**

You know what, that’s fair.

I’ll take it.

**My Kid**

:D

if only u were an actor

u could totally make a new sherlock spinoff

**Tony Stark**

Hollywood couldn’t afford me.

**My Kid**

u could afford hollywood tho

**Tony Stark**

That’s very true.

Don’t tempt me, kid, I do not have the free time.

**My Kid**

how is that tempting you??

**Tony Stark**

Impulse purchases.

If I bought Hollywood I’d actually have to do something with it.

**My Kid**

true

u have many talents but idk about movie direction

i think that might be out of ur scope

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, Pepper’s the bossy one, out of the two of us.

**My Kid**

i dont think she wants to run hollywood on top of stark industries lol

especially bc u impulse bought it

but it would be SO COOL to have a hand in the new star wars movies :D

**Tony Stark**

Oh my god, yes it would.

I have some Opinions.

**My Kid**

same!

plus id toooootally try to talk chris pine into doing another star trek movie

**Tony Stark**

That would definitely be worth the effort, yes.

**My Kid**

yeah,,, chris pine

**Tony Stark**

Chris Pine.

**My Kid**

anyway, uh, dad,

i gotta go

**Tony Stark**

Already?

**My Kid**

yeah :/

mays new bf is coming over tonight

so i have to make sure she doesnt set the kitchen on fire 

(or have my suit on hand to make a quick swing over to the thai place if that doesnt work out)

then were gonna go to the movies

**Tony Stark**

Ooh, new boyfriend, huh?

That’s gotta feel weird.

I hope it goes ok.

**My Kid**

u have no idea

and i hope so too!

im gonna try and put on my best face

she likes him

she wants me to like him, too

**Tony Stark**

Here’s hoping.

Good luck, kid.

**My Kid**

thanks

i love you

**Tony Stark**

Love you, too.

**My Kid**

<3<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony freaks out, his capital letters go away. Peter freaks out, he only writes in capital.
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aatticsaltt.tumblr.com/). I mean, if you want.


	6. iron dad wants his iron van

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Dad**  
>  Should I get a mini van?  
> I feel like I need a mini van.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place a few weeks after chapter 5. enjoy!

**Wednesday,** _ 1:51am _

Dad

**Peter Parker**

hey

**Dad**

Hey.

It’s early.

Can’t sleep?

**Peter Parker**

kinda

**Dad**

Something on your mind, bud?

**Peter Parker**

um yeah

a little

**Dad**

Want to talk about it?

**Peter Parker**

yeah

is that ok?

**Dad**

Always.

I’m listening.

**Peter Parker**

thanks :’)

so, um, u kno how may has been dating this guy?

andrew?

**Dad**

Yeah, you’ve mentioned him a few times.

**Peter Parker**

hes… kinda freaking me out a little

**Dad**

How’s that? What’s he doing?

**Peter Parker**

idk its nothing specific

but he just gives me a weird vibe

sometimes when he looks at me, my spidey-sense tingles

and some of the stuff he says is a little off

**Dad**

Off?

Like, underlying tones kind of off?

**Peter Parker**

yeah he just

idk the other day he kinda

implied i had no life/was just hanging around

said i was mooching off may?

or thats what i got from it anyway

**Dad**

Really

Mooching

Is he unaware of your paid internship, or does he choose to ignore it?

**Peter Parker**

i dont think he believes me honestly

maybe i dont make enough?

idk. he just always seems annoyed when im in the apartment, like im taking up space

**Dad**

Well… you do. But no more than your fair share. It’s your fucking apartment, not his.

**Peter Parker**

yeah

idk

im just kinda scared to be around him

which is dumb, im spider-man

but i really dont wanna be around him and i definitely dont want him around may

**Dad**

What did you say his last name was?

**Peter Parker**

why?

**Dad**

Background check.

**Peter Parker**

fernsby

**Dad**

Is that one of your keysmashes because you think I’m being overprotective or is that his actual fucking name

Because that is a ridiculous name.

**Peter Parker**

no its actually his name

apparently theres only like

three people left in the world who have the name

hes v snooty about it

**Dad**

Oh, good, that should make FRIDAY’s job a little easier.

**Peter Parker**

yea

**Dad**

I’ll let you know what she finds, alright?

**Peter Parker**

ok

thank you

it makes me feel better knowing u kno

i can handle whatever he throws at me

but i dont want it to escalate to him hurting may

**Dad**

If it escalates at all, even verbally, let me know, alright?

**Peter Parker**

i will :)

also btw i just got back from spidey work

if u wanted my update

**Dad**

I always want those.

**Peter Parker**

:P

it was fun today

ned and mj met me on the rooftop of mjs apartment building and we got to have dinner up there

neds moms make really good pasta salad

but i helped a hotdog vendor when his cart got stuck in a pothole, he gave me a few free hotdogs which i handed to some homeless guys on third street

**Dad**

That was nice of you.

I bet they really appreciated that.

**Peter Parker**

yeah they were really nice

one of them gave me a bracelet hed woven out of plastic he dug out of trash cans

it smells a little weird but i think im the only one who can smell it

**Dad**

I’m sure you are.

**Peter Parker**

probably :’) the woes of being a spider

but i also maybe

um

**Dad**

Maybe um?

If it’s something dangerous and stupid and you don’t want to tell me yourself I WILL pull out the Baby Monitor footage.

What did you do?

**Peter Parker**

noooooo

its nothing i did i just kinda got caught up in all the mess

**Dad**

What mess?

**Peter Parker**

well i was walking home bc im almost out of web fluid

and i changed out of my suit bc spidey walking around instead of swinging at one am just kinda seems like im asking for trouble imo

and i maybe got kinda sorta shot in the arm?

lightly

**Dad**

PETER

WHY DID YOU NOT LEAD WITH THAT

**Peter Parker**

because its already healing!

it was just a deep graze

no bullet stuck in me or anything

**Dad**

You give me gray hair.

**Peter Parker**

i didnt do anything!

well i beat up the guys and used the last of my web fluid to web them down

but i didnt intentionally get grazed!

**Dad**

You make me tired.

I’m tired.

**Peter Parker**

daaaaaaaaaaaaad

im fine

**Dad**

Peeeeterrrrrrr

I’m old

I have heart problems.

**Peter Parker**

omg

**Dad**

You think I’m kidding? I’m not kidding.

**Peter Parker**

i dont think ur kidding

i just think ur overreacting

**Dad**

Yes, I’m very good at that.

But I think I’m allowed to overreact when my kid gets fuckin SHOT in the ARM.

“Lightly.”

**Peter Parker**

it was! just a graze!

[ _ attachment: an image of Peter’s arm. The gash is deep, but clearly healing. _ ]

see?

**Dad**

You better clean that really well, infection’s a bitch.

**Peter Parker**

i know i know

may is a nurse u kno

shes looked at it

**Dad**

Good.

**Peter Parker**

hence my leading with andrew bc he was there while she was cleaning up my arm

it was more recently on the mind

**Dad**

Since when are potentially creepy boyfriends more of a preoccupation than getting shot?

**Peter Parker**

chronological order ig

**Dad**

I guess.

**Peter Parker**

but its ok the guys were caught, the suit isnt damaged and im healing :)

no need to worry

**Dad**

“No need to worry.”

That’s adorable.

You should know me well enough by now to know I’m going to worry anyway.

**Peter Parker**

yeah and u should know me well enough to know i will be healed by morning

**Dad**

I do know that.

The worry is a constant state.

And it’s not just in regards to you getting shot.

**Peter Parker**

what is it in regards to then?

**Dad**

Everything.

Literally everything.

I worry about whether or not you might get a papercut at school.

**Peter Parker**

oh wow

that sounds exhausting

**Dad**

It’s very exhausting.

You’re exhausting.

You’re very lucky I love you.

**Peter Parker**

i am very lucky

sorry i make u worry so much tho :(

i dont mean to make u so tired

**Dad**

Occupational hazard of parenthood, so I’m told.

**Peter Parker**

occupational hazard of being someones kid

i worry about u a lot too, u kno 

**Dad**

Why’s that?

**Peter Parker**

well for one ur iron man

**Dad**

Well, yeah.

**Peter Parker**

but like

ur also my dad

one day u could leave the compound or our apartment here in queens

and never come back

ive already lost my biological dad, my uncle ben

i dont wanna lose u too

**Dad**

Aw, kid, you won’t.

Not for a really long time.

**Peter Parker**

i didnt think id lose ben until i was older

but then one day im covered in his blood and hes

dead

and i didnt know what to do

i still dont

**Dad**

That’s not going to happen to us, Pete.

**Peter Parker**

yeah

yeah, it wont

i wont hesitate this time

i have powers

i can use them to keep you safe

like how i shouldve kept ben safe

**Dad**

I know it’s easy to blame yourself for what happened, but you can’t.

**Peter Parker**

i was right there, i had powers, i knew i did

but i just watched him get shot

how can that not be my fault?

**Dad**

Alright, maybe it is your fault.

And maybe what happened to Rhodey in Germany is my fault.

Because I froze, too.

I didn’t catch him.

**Peter Parker**

but…

ok i see the point youre trying to make

**Dad**

Yep.

**Peter Parker**

fair enough

i… i just really miss him

i have u now tho, which is more than i couldve ever dreamed

but i also lost him

**Dad**

I’m not trying to replace anyone, Pete.

It’s ok to miss him.

**Peter Parker**

i really do

and i know ur not

im just grateful to have u

**Dad**

I’m glad I can be here for you.

**Peter Parker**

i probs should get to bed tho

school in the morning after all

**Dad**

Yeah, sleep would probably be good.

**Peter Parker**

maybe 

:p

that means u too tho

**Dad**

I will, I will.

Get some rest, kid, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Hopefully I’ll have something helpful to tell you about May’s boyfriend, too.

**Peter Parker**

yeah

i love you <3

**Dad**

Love you, spider-baby.

**Peter Parker**

spider-baby?

thats a new one

**Dad**

I thought it was cute.

Yes?

Better than underoos.

**Peter Parker**

yeah no kidding

its not all that fun being called a brand of diapers

**Dad**

But, I mean, come on, it was funny, though.

‘Cause you’re a baby.

**Peter Parker**

im fifteen

**Dad**

A baby.

**Peter Parker**

no

**Dad**

Tiny angel baby child.

**Peter Parker**

oh my god

ur not gonna stop are u

**Dad**

Itsy bitsy spider-baby.

**Peter Parker**

hmph

**Dad**

Sweet dreams, spider-baby <3

I love you.

**Peter Parker**

love you too! see u tomorrow for internship day :)

* * *

**Friday,** _ 7:21am _

Dad

**Peter Parker**

GOOD MORNING :D

**Dad**

You wake up way too early.

Good morning.

**Peter Parker**

school starts at 8am and its across queensboro bridge

so i have to wake up early

**Dad**

Toooooo earlyyyyyyy

I need coffee

**Peter Parker**

u didnt have to wake up to reply

**Dad**

It could have been important.

**Peter Parker**

i was just telling u good morning lol

i wont text in the morning again unless its super important

**Dad**

But then how am I supposed to know you’re alive?

The good morning texts ARE important.

**Peter Parker**

omg.

do u rly think im just gonna die overnight?

**Dad**

I don’t know.

You did get shot the other night.

**Peter Parker**

yeah but thats not lethal

not how i got shot anyway

totally healed btw

**Dad**

Good.

You eat breakfast?

**Peter Parker**

yes

**Dad**

Do you promise?

**Peter Parker**

yes omg

i had eggs

**Dad**

Enough eggs to sustain your superkid metabolism until lunch?

**Peter Parker**

why are u bein so pushyyyy

**Dad**

Because you’ve passed out from hypoglycemic shock before.

**Peter Parker**

once!

only once

but i had, like, four eggs

and some toast

and a piece of bacon

**Dad**

Ok.

Good.

I’ve seen you eat six pizzas on your own before, but that’ll do.

**Peter Parker**

oh goodie, i passed the test

**Dad**

Don’t get snarky with me, mister, I’m just looking out for you.

**Peter Parker**

i know i know

i appreciate it

i am fine tho

its not as much as i probably shouldve had but i also dont do anything physical before lunch

**Dad**

That’s true.

Alright, well, I’m going to go get some coffee (and some breakfast too, I don’t need the “coffee is not breakfast” lecture again). Have a good day, bud.

**Peter Parker**

lol

ok

u too

love u

talk to u after school!

* * *

**Friday,** _ 2:45pm _

My Kid

**My Kid**

freeeeeeeedommmmmmmmmmm!!

**Tony Stark**

Hallelujah!

Lucky you.

**My Kid**

what r u doin

**Tony Stark**

Spreadsheets.

Very boring.

**My Kid**

ew yeah that sounds gross 

poor u having to be an adult

**Tony Stark**

Thank you for your kind words of sympathy.

**My Kid**

ur welcome

at least u arent the ceo anymore

**Tony Stark**

Thank god for that.

I really dodged one hell of a bullet, passing that on to Pepper.

**My Kid**

ive always thought it would be cool to run a company

but also that sounds like a lot of responsibility that i have no idea how to handle

**Tony Stark**

It is.

And honestly I had no idea how to handle it, either.

Pepper was unofficially the CEO for years before she actually got the pay raise.

**My Kid**

honestly good for her

we stan a successful queen

**Tony Stark**

We sure do.

…

I’m not sure whether it’s a good or bad thing that I’ve known you long enough to know what every single one of those words means in that context.

**My Kid**

heheheheheh

its a good sign!

ud wouldnt be a dad if u hadnt

**Tony Stark**

That’s true.

I kinda like that part.

**My Kid**

even tho i give u grey hairs when i get shot?

**Tony Stark**

Well, you did tell me that gray hair is considered sexy, these days, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

Except about the “you getting shot” part.

I can complain about that for hours.

**My Kid**

ur ridiculous

and can u pls forget about dilfs

**Tony Stark**

You really need to learn how my brain works.

I don’t just forget things that feed my ego.

**My Kid**

ughhhhhhhh

**Tony Stark**

Besides, now the “dad” part of the acronym actually applies to me, so I’m going to wear that badge with goddamn pride.

**My Kid**

pftt XD

crazy

**Tony Stark**

Very. :)

**My Kid**

hey did u ever find out anything about andrew?

**Tony Stark**

Oh, yeah, FRIDAY should definitely be done with that background check by now, let me pull it up.

**My Kid**

cool

**Tony Stark**

Oh

Not cool

Very much not cool

**My Kid**

???

**Tony Stark**

Multiple reports of domestic disturbance/violence, only one out of six that resulted in five years of jail time…

A couple DUIs.

Shit

He’s been accused of pedophilia, but nothing was proven.

This asshole’s gotta go.

**My Kid**

oh god

oh my god

i might be sick

**Tony Stark**

I know, bud, it’s awful, but it’s gonna be fine, alright?

**My Kid**

its not fine

its totally not fine

he was in my home

again

god why

**Tony Stark**

Again?

What do you mean?

Pete, are you ok?

**My Kid**

when i was a kid

i had a babysitter, skip westcott

he… u kno

i think u can guess where he is now

**Tony Stark**

Shit

God, yeah, ok.

I’m gonna take care of this for you, Peter, you’re going to be fine, alright?

May will, too.

**My Kid**

promise?

**Tony Stark**

I promise.

**My Kid**

ok…

can i stay the night with u tonight?

i really dont wanna go back to the apartment

**Tony Stark**

I’ll come pick you up right now.

We’ll have a movie night.

**My Kid**

any movie?

**Tony Stark**

Whatever you want.

**My Kid**

cool 

im by delmars right now

im gonna go get a sandwich while i wait

do u want one?

**Tony Stark**

Sure, get me an Italian sub.

I’ll be there in thirty.

**My Kid**

thank you

**Tony Stark**

I’m here for you, kid.

Always.

**My Kid**

i love u a lot

**Tony Stark**

I love you more.

* * *

**Tuesday,** _ 5:32pm _

Dad

**Peter Parker**

ddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddd

**Dad**

Dear god, what have I done this time?

**Peter Parker**

terminated the partnership with the thompsons company

**Dad**

Ah.

Yes, and?

**Peter Parker**

why???

ive been hearing about it from flash all day

**Dad**

Because… I don’t like doing business with them?

**Peter Parker**

i also heard from flash that his dad is off the school board

and now a bigger company head is taking over his spot

**Dad**

I think I heard that, too.

**Peter Parker**

…

again i ask

why

**Dad**

Why did I hear it?

Because… someone said words in my general vicinity and contrary to your belief I’m not actually old enough to be going deaf yet??

**Peter Parker**

noooo

omg

im asking why did u drop the partnership and take over mr thompsons spot on the school board

contrary to your belief, im not entirely unaware to stuff happening around me

**Dad**

It was Pepper’s idea.

**Peter Parker**

i know it was her idea

it was too well planned

there clearly was a plan

**Dad**

Rude.

But not wrong, I suppose.

**Peter Parker**

why did u guys do it?

**Dad**

Well, I wasn’t kidding, we really hate doing business with the Thompsons.

Especially since their snotty little asshole kid has nothing better to do than give you a hard time for existing.

**Peter Parker**

omg

mr stark u cant just end a business deal because i cried one time

**Dad**

Can, did, would again in a heartbeat.

Go back to calling me “dad”, “Mr. Stark” looks weird, now.

**Peter Parker**

hdajk

idk mr stark

im pretty used to saying that

**Dad**

Calling me Mr. Stark isn’t going to get me to reinstate my partnership with Flash’s parents.

**Peter Parker**

>:/

**Dad**

Besides.

I’m on the school board, now.

You realize what this means, yes?

**Peter Parker**

no?

**Dad**

It basically means YOU’RE on the school board.

**Peter Parker**

O-O

does this mean i can get my calculus teacher to stop teaching us boring stuff?

**Dad**

In preservation of your social life, I’m going to say probably not, but I could mention getting you specifically some more challenging material.

**Peter Parker**

are u basically gonna have a parent-teacher conference with my cal teacher?

**Dad**

If that’s what you want to call it.

**Peter Parker**

how dad-like of u

**Dad**

Super-dad, if you will.

Or…

Maybe Iron Dad.

**Peter Parker**

iron dad

lol

i like it

**Dad**

Should I get a mini van?

I feel like I need a mini van.

Red and gold.

**Peter Parker**

why???

u only have one kid

**Dad**

Carpool.

You have friends, don’t you?

**Peter Parker**

two, yes

which could all fit in a regular car

not in ur sports cars, granted

**Dad**

Nah, I’ve got my heart set on a mini van now.

The Iron Van.

Iron Man’s Iron Van.

Does Audi make mini vans?

I need to check that.

I may have to branch out a little, on the brand.

**Peter Parker**

oh geez dad

u dont need a minivan

**Dad**

Need? No.

Want? Yes.

**Peter Parker**

…

send me a picture with u posing next to the van when u get it

**Dad**

What, you don’t want to help me pick it out?

**Peter Parker**

i dont know anything about cars

**Dad**

I will teach you.

It will be a bonding experience.

It’ll be fun.

**Peter Parker**

well... alright

sure :)

my dad teaches me about cars

i still want a picture of u posing next to the van tho

**Dad**

I’m definitely gonna pose next to the van.

**Peter Parker**

yessss iconic

itd be great

ill pose with u

id even let u post it on ur instagram like uve been dying to do

**Dad**

:o

You would? :’)

**Peter Parker**

yes

i would

u have my permission to post our van-fie on ur insta

**Dad**

I’m going to put so many emojis in the caption.

It will be like emoji hieroglyphics.

**Peter Parker**

omg w h y

**Dad**

Because you react like that.

**Peter Parker**

[skull emoji]

**Dad**

[several lines of colorful heart emojis]

**Peter Parker**

why do u want me on ur insta so bad anyway

u were never rly one for social media back before we met

**Dad**

That’s because I didn’t have anything interesting to post about.

**Peter Parker**

ur life is quite literally the most interesting thing ever??????

ur I R O N M A N

ur TONY STARK

theres nothing not interesting about that

**Dad**

Ok, but counterargument: you’re cuter to take pictures of.

**Peter Parker**

as opposed to?

**Dad**

Grungy battle fields and stacks of paperwork?

**Peter Parker**

what about dum-e

or ur lab

building the suits

the intricacies of the wiring

theres a lot of pretty parts to counteract the ugly

**Dad**

You think people would be interested in that stuff?

Besides you.

**Peter Parker**

duh

people may not get it, but its pretty cool looking

**Dad**

That’s true.

**Peter Parker**

idk i think it would be pretty cool

i personally wouldve loved to see more pictures of the suits

when i was just a fanboy

and now

**Dad**

Things to consider, I guess.

I still think you’re cuter.

**Peter Parker**

^u^ gee thanks

**Dad**

Plus I already have a lot more pictures of you ready to be posted if you would just LET ME.

So there’s that.

**Peter Parker**

i dont know what half of those photos are so im scared to say yes

**Dad**

I mean, some of them should probably not be shown to the general public, they’re more the kind of pictures that would go in a photo album…

But most of them are fine.

**Peter Parker**

hmph…

u can post ONE

**Dad**

Hehehe.

**Peter Parker**

i regret this already

**Dad**

It’s going to take some time for me to choose my favorite.

I have a lot.

**Peter Parker**

how do u have so many

i dont remember u ever taking pictures

**Dad**

May’s sent me a few, but most of them are stills from FRIDAY’s video footage when you visit the compound.

And obviously you don’t notice when I take a picture of you if you’re passed out cold on my shoulder.

Drooling a small river.

**Peter Parker**

……….

i take it back

ur not allowed to post a picture

**Dad**

Too late.

[link to Tony’s most recent Instagram post]

**Peter Parker**

why

why do u do this to me

millions of people are gonna see this

**Dad**

First comment: “what a sweetheart! i want to pinch his cheeks!”

**Peter Parker**

oh goodness

thats nice, for the first comment

**Dad**

“baby stark dodododododo”?

**Peter Parker**

why the question mark

**Dad**

About twelve comments have said that so far.

I have no idea why.

**Peter Parker**

the baby shark song!

baby shark dododododo baby shark dododododo baby shark dodododo baby shark

**Dad**

FRIDAY just played it for me.

Lord, that could get old fast.

**Peter Parker**

yeah u have no idea

people were playing it for a week straight in high school

**Dad**

Yikes.

**Peter Parker**

oh HA

my insta is kinda blowing up bc u tagged me

one of the comments on a selfie is: “i’d eat his ass out any day”

**Dad**

Private your fucking account.

**Peter Parker**

????

**Dad**

You’re too young for those comments.

**Peter Parker**

pff its rly not that big of a deal dad

that wasnt even the worst comment

**Dad**

I’m never tagging you again.

**Peter Parker**

hey…

did u just hack into my account and make it private????

**Dad**

I will neither confirm nor deny.

**Peter Parker**

omg i cant even take it off private

ur crazy, its just a couple of comments

**Dad**

On a high school sophomore’s instagram.

From grown adults.

We’re not going there.

**Peter Parker**

i guess not

but theyre not anywhere near me

**Dad**

And now they’ll stay that way.

**Peter Parker**

now my phone is blowing up with follower requests

**Dad**

Ignore them unless you know them.

**Peter Parker**

daaaaaad

**Dad**

Peeeeeterrrrrrrr

**Peter Parker**

… im not gonna win this

ur gonna unfollow anyone u know i dont know huh

**Dad**

You learn fast.

**Peter Parker**

siiiiigh

fine

no one unless i know them

im turning notifs off tho

oh, hey, flash commented on ur picture

**Dad**

Oh, goody.

What a little asshole.

**Peter Parker**

thats flash

“if i didnt know better id think thats penis parker”

**Dad**

I literally tagged you, oh my god.

That’s what he calls you?

Not very inventive.

At least it’s not worse.

**Peter Parker**

yeah i guess

its mostly annoying

**Dad**

Very.

How petty would it be if I blocked him?

**Peter Parker**

lmaooo

a little petty

or a lot

hes not worth ur time

**Dad**

Not worth your tears, either.

**Peter Parker**

u got me there

**Dad**

I’m gonna do it.

Flash Thompson, consider yourself blocked.

**Peter Parker**

fhujad

its like ur a high school kid like me

blocking someone is high drama

**Dad**

You picked a very dramatic manchild to be your dad, kid.

**Peter Parker**

its bc ur pan

**Dad**

Undoubtedly.

And maybe a tad on the short side, but you didn’t hear that from me.

The shorter, the more dramatic.

**Peter Parker**

i think thats why we vibe so well

u kno what its like to be small and dramatic

**Dad**

I really do.

I’m relatable.

**Peter Parker**

definitely :)

**Dad**

:)

**Peter Parker**

i like to think im not very dramatic tho

**Dad**

You’re somewhere in between me and Pepper.

You’d think that means you’re a very well-balanced individual, but you haven’t seen Pepper throw one of her fits.

She’s just good at spacing them out.

I’m in a constant state of overdramatic.

Therefore, you’re…

“Average teenage hormones” dramatic, probably.

A little on the high side, but fairly mellow.

**Peter Parker**

oh thats good to know

honestly id be kinda scared to see miss potts throw a fit

i feel like shes very threatening

**Dad**

Very.

She could shatter bulletproof glass, with the volumes and pitches she can reach.

And it’s almost always something I did.

**Peter Parker**

oh geez

smh dad

**Dad**

In my defense I haven’t set her off like that in quite a while! Probably hit some kind of record.

**Peter Parker**

nice

hmmmm

**Dad**

Hmmmm?

What’s hmmmm?

**Peter Parker**

youll see

* * *

**Tuesday,** _ 6:55pm _

Miss Potts

**Peter Parker**

hi!

**Miss Potts**

Who is this?

How did you get this number?

**Peter Parker**

peter!

and i hacked dads phone

in my defense he did it first

**Miss Potts**

Oh, Peter! Hello!

How are you?

**Peter Parker**

hi!! :) im good.

how are you?

**Miss Potts**

I’m very well, thank you.

I saw the picture that Tony posted of you, it was very cute.

**Peter Parker**

i guess if u think drool is cute

ugh

he hacked my phone and made my instagram private permanently

**Miss Potts**

He did?

Why on earth did he do that?

**Peter Parker**

… ur gonna agree with him if i tell u why

**Miss Potts**

Peter.

**Peter Parker**

ughhh

u make my name look so intimidating even over text

i just started getting inappropriate comments

**Miss Potts**

Ah.

And Tony wanted to protect you from unwanted, uncomfortable attention?

**Peter Parker**

yup

**Miss Potts**

I know he’s a little overbearing sometimes, he just wants to make sure nothing bad happens to you, because he loves you.

**Peter Parker**

oh, i know

i really do appreciate it

im not really bothered by it

especially not bc it means he helps me with stuff like andrew

**Miss Potts**

How is May doing, by the way? I’ve been meaning to call her.

**Peter Parker**

shes good! a little shaken up that she didnt realize what kind of a person andrew was

but shes feeling better

**Miss Potts**

Good. I’m glad you’re both ok.

Was there any particular reason why you hacked Tony’s phone to get my number, or did you just feel like chatting? Not that I mind, of course.

**Peter Parker**

i did want to chat! but i also wanted to see if dad was being serious about u not blowing up on him

bc i think its kinda funny that hes dramatic and impulsive enough that u have to yell at him sometimes

**Miss Potts**

Has he been telling tales about my temper again?

**Peter Parker**

maybe

**Miss Potts**

I suppose he’s not exactly wrong.

But no, he’s been very good lately. Hasn’t gotten into trouble in… a few months, actually. I’m very proud of him.

**Peter Parker**

whats changed??

**Miss Potts**

You, honey.

Being around you, talking to you every day has improved his mood more than medication ever could.

**Peter Parker**

oh… wow

i mean, im not really doing anything though?

**Miss Potts**

You don’t have to do anything special, just you being you is guaranteed to cheer him up when he’s having a bad day.

I have to thank you for that. I think he’d be a lot worse off right now, if he didn’t have you.

**Peter Parker**

i mean… i cant really claim credit, but anytime

if he needs me, im always gonna be there

will u let me know if hes ever having a bad day? so i can try and cheer him up?

**Miss Potts**

I’d be happy to do that. I’ll even let him text during meetings, if need be.

**Peter Parker**

wow thats big

**Miss Potts**

It is.

You’re important to him, and you’re good for him.

**Peter Parker**

i try to be

i dont ever intend to stress him out

**Miss Potts**

I know you don’t. And Tony does, too. He teases you about it, but I don’t think there’s anything you could do to truly upset him.

**Peter Parker**

what about smoke weed

or drink alcohol

**Miss Potts**

That would make him sad, not angry.

**Peter Parker**

oh :(

**Miss Potts**

It would make me and May mad, though, so you’d better not even think about it, young man.

**Peter Parker**

whaaat? no of course not!

i would never

come on, miss potts, u kno me

my middle name is responsibility

**Miss Potts**

Your middle name is “sneaky”.

Tony has told me stories about you, mister.

**Peter Parker**

what stories??

im not sneaky

**Miss Potts**

Oh, of course, I’m thinking of the other spider-themed teenage vigilante that climbs through his bedroom window instead of using the front door when he goes out to fight crime, hides his belongings behind dumpsters, and hid his suit tracker on a lampshade so Tony wouldn’t know he snuck into to the department of damage control in a storage container full of alien technology, and then hacked his way back out.

**Peter Parker**

in my defense, i didnt intend to go into the department of damage control, i got knocked out and was concussed upon arrival

**Miss Potts**

Karen said you knocked yourself out accidentally because the magic hole got closed and you didn’t realize, so you tried to jump through it.

**Peter Parker**

yeah exactly

not what i meant to happen

**Miss Potts**

You’re right, your middle name isn’t “sneaky”, it’s “ridiculous”.

**Peter Parker**

hey :(

**Miss Potts**

In the most endearing way.

**Peter Parker**

how was i supposed to know those freaky matter-phase shifters got knocked out of place

everyones a critic

**Miss Potts**

I suppose you could have tried… looking up.

But it’s alright, I could tell you plenty of embarrassing Iron Man stories, some more recent than Tony would like you to think.

**Peter Parker**

omgomgomgomg

can i hear one

the more recent one

**Miss Potts**

Let me think…

You know what, the best stories are older, I’ll save the more recent ones for another time.

For the grand opening of the Stark Expo in 2010, he made his grand entrance by jumping out of a plane in the Iron Man suit. You were there, you remember.

The part nobody saw was ten minutes before the jump, while we were still on the plane. Tony was equipped with a parachute and a fully functional, flying Iron Man suit, and he didn’t want to jump out of the plane. He is ridiculous.

**Peter Parker**

rhudjik omg really????

why did he finally jump?

**Miss Potts**

I pushed him.

That jump was his damn idea, and so help me, he was going to go through with it.

**Peter Parker**

this is the best thing ever

thank u miss potts

**Miss Potts**

You’re very welcome.

But please, call me Pepper.

You’re Tony’s son, now, we can be a little less formal, right?

**Peter Parker**

oh, yeah, definitely

cool

pepper

:)

**Pepper**

Good, I’m glad.

**Peter Parker**

do u also have a weird aversion to ur last name like dad

**Pepper**

No, I don’t. But families don’t call each other by their last names, do they?

**Peter Parker**

apparently nick fury does

**Pepper**

Well, Nick Fury is… Nick Fury.

**Peter Parker**

true

* * *

**Tuesday,** _ 7:27pm _

My Kid

**Tony Stark**

Usually I’m the one who disappears, this is very unnerving, I can see why you don’t like it very much.

Where the hell did you go?

EXCUSE ME, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FIANCEE?

You hacked my phone???

Oh my god, blabbermouth.

Ha, she agrees with me.

I’m right.

She’s just talking about my feelings because she knows I’m reading over her shoulder and it’ll make me turn red, isn’t she?

Yes, good, now she’s making fun of you again, ha.

NO, NO EMBARRASSING STORIES.

NO, NOT THAT STORY.

Hey, when in the god damn did you talk to Nick Fury??

**My Kid**

uh, last week ig?

**Tony Stark**

…

Why??

**My Kid**

he darted ned in the neck

and said we needed to talk

so i listened

**Tony Stark**

He what?

The fuck?

**My Kid**

yeah it was kinda crazy he was just sitting in the apartment waiting for me to get home

idk how he knew who i was

**Tony Stark**

I’m going to be having words with Nick Fury.

Why did he seek you out?

**My Kid**

uh well

he wanted to talk to me about the avengers

said id be taking over for u eventually or smthn idk

**Tony Stark**

Oh my god.

You’re FIFTEEN.

What the fuck.

**My Kid**

[person shrugging emoji] honestly i was just rly stoked that nick fury himself was in my living room

**Tony Stark**

Yeah, that gets old really fast.

**My Kid**

i feel bad for ned tho

but he thinks its the third coolest thing to ever happen to him

**Tony Stark**

The third?

**My Kid**

yeah. first me being spider-man. secondly u saying he did a good job on hacking my suit

**Tony Stark**

Ah.

**My Kid**

was i not supposed to talk to nick fury tho??? bc i really didnt get a lot of choice

**Tony Stark**

It’s not so much that you weren’t supposed to talk to him.

HE wasn’t supposed to talk to YOU.

**My Kid**

really?

**Tony Stark**

He’s a little too obsessed with this whole idealistic “team of superheroes saving the world” dream of his, his first attempt isn’t going so well and he’s already trying to find his new dream team.

Of babies, apparently.

He has no shame.

**My Kid**

im not a baby

**Tony Stark**

Fifteen is a hell of a lot closer to being a baby than, say… forty.

**My Kid**

well ur not wrong

**Tony Stark**

Nick Fury should not be allowed to talk to you until you’re forty.

**My Kid**

thats so long from now!!! hed probably be like,,, super old or dead by the time im 40

**Tony Stark**

God, I hope so.

Then he wouldn’t ever talk to you.

The man is a health and safety hazard.

**My Kid**

soooo i shouldnt tell u i accepted his offer to work for him then, huh?

**Tony Stark**

you did what

why

peter

**My Kid**

im kidding!!!!

it was a joke

**Tony Stark**

You

That

God damn it

I can’t tell which of those statements is actually true.

**My Kid**

im not working for nick fury

he was mostly there to “prepare me”

whatever that means

**Tony Stark**

It means I’m going to wrap you in bubble wrap and hide you in the Compound for the rest of your life so he can’t find you again.

**My Kid**

im fine with that if it means we can cuddle a lot :)

**Tony Stark**

Did I say bubble wrap?

I meant blankets.

Much more ideal for cuddling.

**My Kid**

definitely

bubble wrap is too annoying for my senses anymore

**Tony Stark**

There is that, too.

**My Kid**

anyway i just finished my dinner

(yes, i ate enough, before you ask)

so u kno what that means :)

**Tony Stark**

Homework?

:)

I’m kidding.

Have fun on patrol, bud.

**My Kid**

i will >:)

muahahahaha

**Tony Stark**

Stay away from bullets.

**My Kid**

im specifically gonna find a bullet 

and touch it

**Tony Stark**

I’ll get May to ground you.

**My Kid**

lame

no intentional bullets i promise

love you dad

**Tony Stark**

Love you, spider-baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aatticsaltt.tumblr.com/). I mean, if you want.


	7. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update!

Hey guys, I know we originally planned for 10 chapters, but after recent personal events in our lives, we unfortunately have to end the fic here.

Thank you all so much for your support!


End file.
